Oreos & Gin

 My memories for last year on Facebook are thin. But today was a MASSIVE day in our lives. One we will never forget.  After feeling absolutely rotten for 3 weeks, and having missed my 2nd cycle, I decided to test because well that’s the only thing I hadn’t done to provoke its arrival - that pregnancy test didn’t even waste time and a very bewildered me, walked into our bedroom to show Mark. We spent the day poorly and shocked to our cores. We looked at each other and said “F*CK!!! “ a lot 🤣🤣 Our amazing daughter was on her way!  The next few days were a blur. Drs visits & an early scan were I was told I had options if I didn’t want to go through with it (I’m glad we live in a country where that’s the case btw) but in my heart I knew, I loved that little fetus already.  Then there was worries and conversations with specialist pharmacists over the water due to my meds - thankfully I had switched from a more toxic one a mere 6 months earlier.  Oh and the fact...

On Sunday the 3rd of May, 2020, I woke up early after continuous vivid pregnancy dreams. It was about 4.30 am that I decided I had enough. I had dreamt that Ada came early and that we were not ready at all . If only I knew the half of it.  Mark made us breakfast and we watched Guardians of the Galaxy. I was feeling odd but not sure why so I took a nap once the film was over. Whilst sleeping, I felt a bulging but dismissed it as me needing a wee.    A few moments later, my waters went. I momentarily freaked out. I was only 35+3 weeks pregnant , nowhere near term.  I tried to get Mark’s attention via the Alexas in the house. He finally came up with cups of tea not realising the urgency I had wanted him up for.    I told him my waters had gone and I started to sob. He managed to calm me down enough to ring the maternity ward and they said we should come in . Before we got there, we had to organise childcare and our lovely babysitter Charley was availa...

That’s a title and a half isn’t it? I haven’t even finished writing Ada’s birth story. I’ve gotten to the bit where she’s taken away. The fact that I seem to be avoiding writing what comes next is very telling.  Anxiety is not a new thing in my life. I’ve had anxiety for most of my life (which is understandable given the trauma I went through at various points in my life) but this is a different animal with a new symptom. I basically feel like an elephant is sat on my chest/neck for most of the day. Heart palpitations that bring on tears when particularly bad. Even without the palpitations, my eyes leak if my thoughts take me anywhere. For example I was cuddling with Ethan on our first day back and I said “I missed you when I was away” normally that would’ve been it, instead I just started crying. I could be sat watching tv, I think about the fact that the first time I saw my daughter was via a Polaroid photo - I start crying. I also just don’t want her away from me like ev...

I’ve decided to start a new “series” on my blog during this Lock-down. How are you all doing with the Lock-down? 🔐 I’ve been doing some Home Learning with my boys (we have Fridays off thank goodness) and I’m prepping for our new arrival. One of the ways I’m doing this is by reading. I dusted off my “The Baby Book” by Dr Sears , re read “Gentle Parenting “ by Sarah Ockwell Smith (I wanted to remind myself about the 4th trimester) & I was looking for a book about bottle feeding (with special requirements). This proved harder to find. As you know, I had a double mastectomy 9 months ago and prior to that, I breastfed my boys for 3 years each (through allergies, tongue ties & aversions) added to that I’m a trained Breastfeeding Peer Supporter. So I’m firmly on the breastfeeding train. I wasn’t planning on having more babies (this isn’t a secret - check out the #lastbaby on LJ’s multiple photos on my Instagram profile) so the biggest blow to me wasn’t our surprise baby but the ...

I still have my boobs for all of 34 hours 23 minutes and counting. It is a strange place to be let me tell you. I have joined a number of Mastectomy groups to help me cope with everything and I have learnt a lot. I have also realised a few things. I fall into a weird group where I don't have Cancer (as far as i know), the Mastectomy isn't purely Prophylactic as in the case of those with the BRCA gene (therefore high risk for cancer) . I'm as usual, an oddity. A medical marvel that experienced doctors can't fathom. Yet, I have found myself rejoicing, empathising & mourning with these women in my phone. At the end of the day, suffering is suffering. Pain is Pain and we all end up living our lives sans boobies. Another thing that I've realised is my attitude to Cancer. I honestly don't know if it's a good thing or not. However, living with several  lifelong conditions mean that I do ruminate quite frequently about my own mortality. I spent the next fe...

This week has been an intense one. After the shock of receiving my surgery date quite mundanely on the Thursday before Mr B left for his work trip, I quickly reverted to my trusty coping mechanism - PLANNING. I rallied friends to help me pick the boys up from school, one to take them to school on the surgery date, my sister to be home as a contingency & Taxis to drive me about for the week. I agonised over asking friends to pitch in, I’m someone who grew up having to sort her shit out by herself so relying on others doesn’t come naturally, I lamented to geographically distant friends about my conundrum, my fear of appearing to take liberties but they rightly assured me that I should ask. I’m so glad I did because the response was amazing and a MASSIVE weight off my shoulders. I felt so loved. The actual date came, Tuesday. Everything ran with Miltary precision. The taxi was on time, We dropped the boys en route to the hospital and I was at the reception desk with 5 mins to...

An obvious one is my lack of consistency in updating this blog. Since the last time I wrote here, I’ve had 2 flare ups of  2 out of 3 of my conditions, dealt with the madness of the end of the school year ( I’m on the PTA so there’s additional issues on that) , done numerous Summer Stalls for my craft business, House hunted, Moved house & kept 2 sproglets alive all while working my job. Let’s not even go to the emotional fall out that this time of year brings for me. All this to say, I’m soooooooo tired. Like all the time. I don’t know how I do stuff half the time. Today though, I’m feeling extra guilty about my life. I struggle through the day and end up giving the left overs to my kids and I swore I would NEVER do that to them. I was telling my sister how I was feeling and she was kind enough to tell me I’m nothing like the people I am trying to avoid replicating. The intention is different and I agree with her. It’s not that I can & I choose not to but because ...

My Dear LJ, Honey, you are growing up. It scares me to admit it but its true. There are signs everywhere pointing to the fact that you are no longer the chunky baby i used to sling everywhere. Last night I had to do a double take because lying next to me, you seemed longer. I thought it was your brother. My darling, your fierce demands to be independent have always been heard. Right from when I met you, you let me know that you will always march to the beat of your own drum. Everything in my parenting toolkit was blunt and useless, I had to learn different ways of parenting you. You my rainbow baby, refused to be molly cuddled. I wanted to keep you wrapped up and safe. But you longed to explore the world in your quiet but steadfast way.  You are doing it. I'm so proud of you. It's only preschool another voice in my head shouts. Your mother is and will always be a sentimental soul. This is the first step to you having a separate life i'm not part of.  I hope you ha...

This Blog post was originally written in January 2014... I think a lot of it still applies except I know my illness a lot better now. I've accepted that we are going to have to ride the wave of depression and the most important thing i've learnt is that there is always hope. I still worry about how i'm perceived but this only applies to my boys... I want to protect them from this for as long as I can. Of course they've seen me wracked in pain but Mental Pain is a harrowing sort i'd like to protect them from. Without further ado, Loneliness  Often I want to pour out how I feel about my mental health and to be honest I feel overwhelmed because no amount of semantics will do justice to the mess that's within me. I however feel like "loneliness" covers most of it. When I am within the grip of depression, I feel Unreachable. No one can reach me (though some try - my hubby & a few trusted friends) and I can't reach anyone either. I do try bu...

Funny how people have opinions when they've never been in that situation before. I think News anchor, Alistair  & Mum Lucy both handled the situation perfectly. Have you ever tried to get a toddler to sit when they don't want to? Armageddon occurs ok? So all you "she needs discipline" brigade , please take several seats. Instead of seeing it for what it was , an adorable incident at a an inconvenient moment, you choose to preside as judge & jury.  I don't know Lucy (the mother) personally but I am a mum with two rambunctious kids who also suffered with allergies. I can tell you now it's not a walk in the park. Parenting children with allergies mean you end up being hyper aware of things around you (in case of cross contamination etc) It's always said "It takes a village to raise a child, bring back the village" blah blah blah... how about YOU BE the village? What are YOU doing to support a mother that you know? Please think about i...

postcard to Justine Greening Now except you've been living under a rock, you'd know that our current government is obsessed with Austerity. This has spread to our fundamental services. The NHS, PIP (formerly DLA) & now, Our Schools . The government says these cuts are necessary . We are the 5th largest economy in the world and so I really don't understand how it is justifiable to cut our safety nets. If you haven't visited the Schools Cuts website yet please do, I find that when numbers are made personal, they make a larger impact. For me, these cuts equate to my son's school losing 3 teachers. We are already seeing the consequences of these cuts in our schools. Here are the figures for The Isle of Wight as a whole: It's only going to get worse. We as parents have to speak up, It is our responsibility to advocate for the voices of tomorrow. Our education system is at risk from these cuts. I cannot overstate the need to snap out of the apathy t...

I've been on a hamster wheel lately.   One foot in front of the other is the only way to be.  Stop & smell the flowers is the advice I'm given,  can't you see? I'm trying, I'm trying. There are boxes to be chequed, i 's to be dotted, T's to be crossed.  Who's going to do it if it ain't me!?  Live simply Live happily  I repeat to myself,  The melodrama & the rhythmic chanting takes over  "Live simply  Live happily " Can't you see?  I'm trying, I'm trying  Let me off, I want to get off.  I'm not a hamster, I don't need the wheel. These two feet will take me as far as I want to go.  I don't live simply - though I try..  but I certainly live happily.  Happily,  putting one feet in front of the other.  Breathe. Stop. Think REPEAT. 

Time to Be. Since becoming a mum and admitting I very much LOVE my time alone, I crave , I mean absolutely crave the time & space to do as I please. No shoving MY priorities on the back burner, in order to ensure the kids, the cat, the fish & the house are sorted. I nag my hubby about prioritising his self care. I don't think he knows how. I'm guessing we aren't brought up to demand that for ourselves. So we deal & deal & deal until we can't anymore. That's what happened to me Winter 2011. I basically couldn't get out of bed one Sunday morning. My body had had enough. I had used the disease of perfectionism to eviscerate my soul until my body just had enough. Cautionary tale folks. Don't let it get to that stage. That was the beginning of my metamorphosis. It's not easy turning into the beautiful butterfly that you are. Growing hurts. It hurts a lot. Once you admit you need something to change, you keep go...