Oreos & Gin

  It’s been a year since my hysterectomy.   I had wanted to share how much my life has improved since which in some respects it has.  But unfortunately for me, I still have other lifelong conditions that disable me daily. So although, it’s a relief not to have to deal with the debilitating gynaecological pain that I suffered with for over 20 years, Life continues to be a struggle.  I was trying to create a TikTok video and was looking for pictures to help illustrate how hard things were but there was no evidence of my struggle.  The trauma, the pain, the scarring. The panic, the anxiety & loss are all invisible.  I have nothing tangible to show the hell that I’ve lived through.    In the words of my heroes, Maya Angelou, “Just like moons and like suns, With the certainty of tides, Just like hopes springing high, Still I'll rise. Up from a past that’s rooted in pain I rise” I will keep rising for as long as I can.  I owe it to myself....

So it’s my last day being 34. This year, for me, has been one of getting to know myself even more than I thought I did. It was also a year where I got to show up for myself.  This year showed me that I could face my fears, conquer them and excel. It showed me that I am worth all the compassion and love I give to all those who know me. It showed me that I’m worth spending hard-earned money to get a better quality of life.  It showed me that I can show up for myself when people decide not to show up for me. It showed me that the friends I have made during my metamorphosis, who also were on the journey of self-discovery, are amazing people who let me be my whole self.  It made me realise that I can and will change things if they no longer serve me. This year, I’ve been able to begin the journey of unmasking and stop trying to fit the Neurotypical view of self. This year, I have met kindred spirits. I have realised there is nothing greater than being known completely and hone...

I can’t count the number of times I’ve sat down with my laptop to do some writing and come up short. For most people, they find being pregnant a very creative time. But so far in all 3 pregnancies, it’s a drought.  I’m just going to be honest about it & why I feel it’s that way.  Usually, I’m depressed right through my pregnancy. My anxiety is raging and I have an almighty urge to run away. This time, I haven’t suffered with depression (even my Winter variety ... touch wood)  I find pregnancy hardwork not just on my body (my conditions go a bit crazy except RA, it’s chilled right down yay!) but on my mind. I worry about everything even more than I usually do.  People say, pregnancy suits me which on the surface it does, but I do not feel as good as I look.  I deal with it all by prepping and planning & researching things. I set goals to help me see that I am progressing and doing so well. My health professionals are so suppo...

Since I wrote the first part of this Saga last year, a lot of things have happened. If you are a regular reader of my blog, you'd know my health hasn't been stellar over the last year. I added multiple ailments to my roster.  The results for the previous Mass came through as not Malignant (YAY!) since then I've had various recurrences in both breasts (6 Core Biopsies, 1 Mammogram ) I had a wide excision about a month and a half ago where the surgeon attempted to get rid of most of the masses.  My Post Surgery Medi-Haze Selfie A week later at my Post OP Check up, I was distraught to find out he didn't take all the masses in there because I knew we'd only end up back where we begun. After he left and suggested a "wait and see " approach, I broke down crying in front of the nurses in the room because it just seemed like all the pain, suffering I had endured was never going to end.  A week later, I had another mass begin to form. I was ...

Do you ever have those days when all you can say is “how the fuck is this my life?” Sometimes said in a Wow! I’m killing it but mostly said in bewilderment. I try and be present and aware of  what’s happening around me & within me, however I’m also guilty of zoning out and getting through my days in a perpetual daze. Occasionally you look up and you are stunned at what your life has become. When this happens, you may be anxious or feel helpless about where you’ve ended up. Either through your own choices or the cards you’ve been dealt. I just wanted to write today, it’s never too late to make changes in order to achieve the life you want. I’ve been saying that phrase lately but I know that life changes and we’ve got to adapt the best way we know how. So for me, I know with my new diagnosis, I can’t take on as much like I used to. I need to give myself wiggle room in my schedule. I have to be kind to myself and say no to things I really want to do so I can function be...

Fishbourne, IOW - Lucy Benton Photography  I’ve always been the sort of person who wants to learn about how other people live their lives. A few years back - think when I became a parent, I started really wanting to live very intentionally. Over the last few years this has looked different depending on where we are in life.  When E was 15 months & we were starting our business, we got rid of the telly. This was a 2 part action. 1) my toddler’s first sentence was “tiddy on pees “ & 2) Shaving off our Sky subscription & TV licence would do our budget good. We were Live Telly free for 3ish years. However now we’re hitting our 30s some sooner than others (*cough cough* Mr B! ) I started to think more about doing this intrinsically. You see as a kid, I had this immense pressure to perform. I had to be the best at EVERYTHING. There was no room for failure. There was no space for emotional weakness. So what followed was me seeing my value & sense of sel...

“Freedom!” What does that even mean? What does it mean to be really free? I’ve been pondering this for a while. I just finished re-reading The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood. In a totalitarian society like The Republic of Gilead, Freedom takes on an almost tangible urgency. When your speech, dress, sex - your being is under control, to be free means something completely different to say in our supposedly democratic society. Thoughts about Gilead mix with my thoughts about George Michael’s film Freedom. “Freedom!” What does that even mean? What does it mean to be really free? I’ve been pondering this for a while. I just finished re-reading The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood. In a totalitarian society like The Republic of Gilead, Freedom takes on an almost tangible urgency. When your speech, dress, sex - your being is under control, to be free means something completely different to say in our supposedly democratic society. Thoughts about Gilead mix with my thou...

Since about Wednesday when I did my Vlog on my Facebook page, I've been feeling off. In that video, I admitted out loud for the first time (to myself) that I was struggling mentally. I however figured that I'll be doing an inflatable mud run at the weekend and that should reset me. Long story short, I didn't go. I was absolutely devastated - which sounds a tad dramatic but it was more than the event. Something, I'd looked forward to with someone I care about. I had pictured all the awesome memories we would've made together. The run itself, campfires, after parties, drunken nights . All of that taken away from me. Just like that *snaps fingers* . After I found out, I went for a plod. The adrenaline of being let down once more by this person flooded through me. Thoughts about  the reasons - who & why made me even more angry. The core reason has been the bane of my life for as long as I can remember. ( I know I'm being vague, trying to be sensitive to the inv...

I've been on a hamster wheel lately.   One foot in front of the other is the only way to be.  Stop & smell the flowers is the advice I'm given,  can't you see? I'm trying, I'm trying. There are boxes to be chequed, i 's to be dotted, T's to be crossed.  Who's going to do it if it ain't me!?  Live simply Live happily  I repeat to myself,  The melodrama & the rhythmic chanting takes over  "Live simply  Live happily " Can't you see?  I'm trying, I'm trying  Let me off, I want to get off.  I'm not a hamster, I don't need the wheel. These two feet will take me as far as I want to go.  I don't live simply - though I try..  but I certainly live happily.  Happily,  putting one feet in front of the other.  Breathe. Stop. Think REPEAT.