Oreos & Gin

 My memories for last year on Facebook are thin. But today was a MASSIVE day in our lives. One we will never forget.  After feeling absolutely rotten for 3 weeks, and having missed my 2nd cycle, I decided to test because well that’s the only thing I hadn’t done to provoke its arrival - that pregnancy test didn’t even waste time and a very bewildered me, walked into our bedroom to show Mark. We spent the day poorly and shocked to our cores. We looked at each other and said “F*CK!!! “ a lot 🤣🤣 Our amazing daughter was on her way!  The next few days were a blur. Drs visits & an early scan were I was told I had options if I didn’t want to go through with it (I’m glad we live in a country where that’s the case btw) but in my heart I knew, I loved that little fetus already.  Then there was worries and conversations with specialist pharmacists over the water due to my meds - thankfully I had switched from a more toxic one a mere 6 months earlier.  Oh and the fact...

That’s a title and a half isn’t it? I haven’t even finished writing Ada’s birth story. I’ve gotten to the bit where she’s taken away. The fact that I seem to be avoiding writing what comes next is very telling.  Anxiety is not a new thing in my life. I’ve had anxiety for most of my life (which is understandable given the trauma I went through at various points in my life) but this is a different animal with a new symptom. I basically feel like an elephant is sat on my chest/neck for most of the day. Heart palpitations that bring on tears when particularly bad. Even without the palpitations, my eyes leak if my thoughts take me anywhere. For example I was cuddling with Ethan on our first day back and I said “I missed you when I was away” normally that would’ve been it, instead I just started crying. I could be sat watching tv, I think about the fact that the first time I saw my daughter was via a Polaroid photo - I start crying. I also just don’t want her away from me like ev...