Oreos & Gin

That’s a title and a half isn’t it? I haven’t even finished writing Ada’s birth story. I’ve gotten to the bit where she’s taken away. The fact that I seem to be avoiding writing what comes next is very telling.  Anxiety is not a new thing in my life. I’ve had anxiety for most of my life (which is understandable given the trauma I went through at various points in my life) but this is a different animal with a new symptom. I basically feel like an elephant is sat on my chest/neck for most of the day. Heart palpitations that bring on tears when particularly bad. Even without the palpitations, my eyes leak if my thoughts take me anywhere. For example I was cuddling with Ethan on our first day back and I said “I missed you when I was away” normally that would’ve been it, instead I just started crying. I could be sat watching tv, I think about the fact that the first time I saw my daughter was via a Polaroid photo - I start crying. I also just don’t want her away from me like ev...

It's been a while since I did a Travel post on here! It's been a Month since I went to Brussels, hard to believe it really. A lot has happened since then! I bought my earlybird ticket last year, I knew i wanted this adventure to look forward to. I really enjoy travelling as you guys know but I'm finding that I enjoy Solo travel too. Having  RA has meant that I have become cautious and my adventurous spirit has been restless. I have learnt not to count myself out too eagerly. My mobility and stamina might be compromised somewhat but I should still be able to taste life.  Although Plannercon itself was exciting, I loved exploring the home of my favourite detective Hercule Poirot. My favourite bit of the weekend was making new friends.  I took the Eurostar and chose the Standard ticket ( no accessibility perks) the first thing I noticed was how far back the chair was. I used my Jacket to create some lumbar support and it was fine. 2 hours later, I was in Bru...

Since I wrote the first part of this Saga last year, a lot of things have happened. If you are a regular reader of my blog, you'd know my health hasn't been stellar over the last year. I added multiple ailments to my roster.  The results for the previous Mass came through as not Malignant (YAY!) since then I've had various recurrences in both breasts (6 Core Biopsies, 1 Mammogram ) I had a wide excision about a month and a half ago where the surgeon attempted to get rid of most of the masses.  My Post Surgery Medi-Haze Selfie A week later at my Post OP Check up, I was distraught to find out he didn't take all the masses in there because I knew we'd only end up back where we begun. After he left and suggested a "wait and see " approach, I broke down crying in front of the nurses in the room because it just seemed like all the pain, suffering I had endured was never going to end.  A week later, I had another mass begin to form. I was ...

As a very vocal introverted INFJ , Friendships have always been peculiar to me. I’m very friendly, easy to get along with HOWEVER, I can count on my fingers the amount of close friends I have. I find it very difficult to be part of a group. My independent streak is way too strong.  Growing up, I always wanted a Anne/Diana kind of friendship which I did have from age 2-11. I think to evaluate my social circles at present, my husband is my bestest friend. Then I have friends from the different circles I frequent, then acquaintances (I have tons of those) .  When I became a Mum the first time, I found it particularly lonely because although I had lots of friends to do things with only a handful actually got to know the real me and the shit I was dealing with (and for them I’m so grateful) Vulnerability doesn’t come easy to me, having grown up in an environment where that was used to hurt you. I’m slowly absorbing the Brenè Brown idea that vulnerability equals strengt...

It is Tuesday and I think it is safe to say that I'm right in the midst of "big meet blues" . This weekend was just amazing! What is The Big Meet? For non Planner people, it is simply a day of Planner love. We talk about planners, craft, shop and more importantly we strengthen our friendships. What is a Planner? People call them diaries , organisers. There are different kinds and there are different people all over the world that love them. This was my first time going to The Big Meet so I Vlogged about it. Check out my video below: If you enjoyed that then please Like, Comment, Share & Subscribe!

How I know if someone has really crossed a boundary is if I just can’t stop seething about it. Unfortunately, in this case, I’m reminded every time I try and open our stupid door knobs , when I pick up something and it takes forever, when I can’t sleep because every joint hurts, when I wake up and I just know it’s a high pain day. When I dread getting in the car because I know it’s going to be painful. When I struggle to weed vinyl for orders  in my shop Etc etc.  When someone who doesn’t know what it’s like to be in this body decides that they know better, I get really angry. Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it isn’t hard. I’m trying so hard to live my life the way I’d like it to be, trying so my boys don’t miss out to much. I’m doing my best to not let this condition snuff out all the colour in my life. I’m not going to lie, some days are harder than others.  I just maybe expect a bit more empathy from specialists.  Is that too much to expect...

Back in the spring when I started having what I can only describe as the worst pain ever, I didn't know how things would pan out for me. I've been through some really dark times (even for me .. *titter* ) I went from full pelt Half Marathon Training (my last run being just over 10 miles) to hobbling out of bed and struggling with the stairs. I was going to run for Plan International The worst thing for me was aside from my obviously painful swollen ankles, I looked the same. It didn't seem like my whole body was on fire. The crippling fatigue & worst still the shroud of hopelessness that engulfed me. I didn't miss one day of work even though some days i'd rather be knocked out than endure one second of the day. I still did the parent thing. The partner thing. The business owner thing. I now know better because yet again, I pushed through and would end up crashing at weekends. It all started with a mass in my breast. I wrote about it here &...

Do you ever have those days when all you can say is “how the fuck is this my life?” Sometimes said in a Wow! I’m killing it but mostly said in bewilderment. I try and be present and aware of  what’s happening around me & within me, however I’m also guilty of zoning out and getting through my days in a perpetual daze. Occasionally you look up and you are stunned at what your life has become. When this happens, you may be anxious or feel helpless about where you’ve ended up. Either through your own choices or the cards you’ve been dealt. I just wanted to write today, it’s never too late to make changes in order to achieve the life you want. I’ve been saying that phrase lately but I know that life changes and we’ve got to adapt the best way we know how. So for me, I know with my new diagnosis, I can’t take on as much like I used to. I need to give myself wiggle room in my schedule. I have to be kind to myself and say no to things I really want to do so I can function be...

Thank fuck for that! Honestly, worst week in terms of anxiety. I can normally hold my shit together in public but on Thursday , I needed a walk around my office block as I was so agitated. I got to the appointment & the consultant said my results were clear where cancer is concerned. My anxiety was reduced quite drastically. Turns out my theory is correct. It’s my old friend -  Hidradenitis Suppurativa  (whatever you do, do not Google images!) I say HS for short. I thought it might be draining from my armpit to my breast tissue which caused this mass to form.  I’m sad as I honestly don’t know when I’ll be back running. I don’t know when I’ll feel like myself again. I’ve had a few days to wallow, but I’ve decided that I’ve got to make plans to get back to an ok version of where I was. My immune system is totally kicking my arse. I have gone from Half Marathon ready to struggling with stairs in two weeks. This is no April Fools. It's trying to o...

I’ve been a plethora of emotions this past weekend.... yesterday was particularly ridiculous. One minute I was pottering, doing my thing next I was cross, sad, happy. My heart knows. Even when my brain hasn’t clicked yet. The 10th of December,2005 will always be significant to me. That’s the date I came face to face with grief.  My cousin, Owanari died that day. Before then when people I loved died, like my grandma in 1999, for example I was sad. But for some reason maybe a combination of our close relationship & my age at the time , I was a walking wound when Owanari died . I couldn’t sleep for months, and my eyes would just start leaking without me knowing. Every time the story came on the news, it would lead me to obsessively research the incident . I wanted to know everything about what happened. This year, I just want to share some memories I have of her. My earliest is one Christmas, I was staying with them that year whilst my mum did her Masters. Santa brought me...

Odd. Sometimes you just feel odd. Odd like you know something isn’t quite right.  Sometimes you just feel odd. Like today, someone or something forgot to add all the ingredients that make you feel like you. Odd. You can’t quite put your finger on why you feel the way you do.  You only know that you do. Odd like a puzzle that doesn’t quite fit. Or a piece of fruit that isn’t quite ready yet but you munch anyway. You go through the motions hoping that at some point in the day things click and you are back to feeling like you again. Odd but in a rather satisfying manner. I’ll let you into a secret, today I’m fed up of flashbacks. Every time I return to a place of my childhood, memories & traumas of the past attached to that place decide its their time to shine once more. Back & forth I go and the emotional whiplash is draining. Trying to function when your insides are anything but is soul destroying. So I sit through the monotony of Surburbia. Today my fri...

Fishbourne, IOW - Lucy Benton Photography  I’ve always been the sort of person who wants to learn about how other people live their lives. A few years back - think when I became a parent, I started really wanting to live very intentionally. Over the last few years this has looked different depending on where we are in life.  When E was 15 months & we were starting our business, we got rid of the telly. This was a 2 part action. 1) my toddler’s first sentence was “tiddy on pees “ & 2) Shaving off our Sky subscription & TV licence would do our budget good. We were Live Telly free for 3ish years. However now we’re hitting our 30s some sooner than others (*cough cough* Mr B! ) I started to think more about doing this intrinsically. You see as a kid, I had this immense pressure to perform. I had to be the best at EVERYTHING. There was no room for failure. There was no space for emotional weakness. So what followed was me seeing my value & sense of sel...

There are 2 important things you need to know about me: 1) I'm a HUGE Disney Nerd - and proud of it. 2) I LOVE TO TRAVEL. See new places (or the same favourite places 👀) , meet new faces. Have a cultural exchange & swap life perspectives. I have a huge list of places I want to see but one place I always will want to come back to is Paris. Ever since I stepped foot in France & all my daydreams met my reality, it's somewhere I just adore. This summer, me & my boys, hubby included visited Disneyland Paris for the first time and that too lived up to my expectations. I felt so at home there, I am seriously considering investing in an annual pass. This weekend is the 2nd runDisney weekend in Paris and yours truly is going to be there. My first official 10k race had to be in the place that makes me extremely happy. Am I looking forward to it!? You betcha'! I'm meeting my Online Running Family at the Eurostar to experience this together. Today ...

" She's got lions in her heart A fire in her soul he's a got a beast In his belly that's so hard to control Cause they've taken too much hits, taking blow by blow Now light a match, stand back, watch them explode When you've been fighting for it all your life You've been struggling to make things right That's a how a superhero learns to fly (Every day, every hour, turn that pain into power)" ~ Superheroes, The Script  My favourite Irish rockers are back on the scene so that means going through their back catalogues in readiness for what I'm sure will be an awesome album release.  Anyway, I actually listened to the lyrics even more closely than I usually do and these words have taken on huge huge significance for me. This past year 2016/2017 has shown me a lot about life, love, pain & what you ultimately do with it. I have a few friends (old & new) who inspire me everyday in how they handle thei...