Oreos & Gin

  It’s been a year since my hysterectomy.   I had wanted to share how much my life has improved since which in some respects it has.  But unfortunately for me, I still have other lifelong conditions that disable me daily. So although, it’s a relief not to have to deal with the debilitating gynaecological pain that I suffered with for over 20 years, Life continues to be a struggle.  I was trying to create a TikTok video and was looking for pictures to help illustrate how hard things were but there was no evidence of my struggle.  The trauma, the pain, the scarring. The panic, the anxiety & loss are all invisible.  I have nothing tangible to show the hell that I’ve lived through.    In the words of my heroes, Maya Angelou, “Just like moons and like suns, With the certainty of tides, Just like hopes springing high, Still I'll rise. Up from a past that’s rooted in pain I rise” I will keep rising for as long as I can.  I owe it to myself....

 Our surgery has recently gotten 2 new partners which saved it from closing. I’ve ALWAYS been anaemic since I started periods or even before because 1) I’ve got weird shaped red blood cells & 2) I’ve basically been haemorrhaging every month until my op earlier this year. 3) my DMARDs (drugs that prevent damage in my joints) have an impact.  Since my op, and the absence of periods, my iron levels have been slowly climbing and my Rheumatologist told me the last time I had a new PB 😅  I’m doing all the things to encourage it.  Just before Christmas, I had my HBA1C done (basically my diabetes report card) which includes a full blood count.  The results came in today (I’m basically walking around with a normal HBA1C 🙌🏿🙌🏿) but I just got a phone call from the surgery saying the dr would like to test me for anaemia .  At this point I’m so bored & fed up with unnecessary prods.  Like you’ve got data in front of you. Make of it what you will. ...

So it’s my last day being 34. This year, for me, has been one of getting to know myself even more than I thought I did. It was also a year where I got to show up for myself.  This year showed me that I could face my fears, conquer them and excel. It showed me that I am worth all the compassion and love I give to all those who know me. It showed me that I’m worth spending hard-earned money to get a better quality of life.  It showed me that I can show up for myself when people decide not to show up for me. It showed me that the friends I have made during my metamorphosis, who also were on the journey of self-discovery, are amazing people who let me be my whole self.  It made me realise that I can and will change things if they no longer serve me. This year, I’ve been able to begin the journey of unmasking and stop trying to fit the Neurotypical view of self. This year, I have met kindred spirits. I have realised there is nothing greater than being known completely and hone...

 As most of you know, I live with Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA for short). Every year, The National Rheumatoid Arthritis Society ( NRAS) does an awareness week where they, along with members of the community, try and raise awareness of this condition. I t is so misunderstood. I try to do my bit, especially as a thirty-something woman living with this.  This year's theme is "Fact or Fiction".  They have created a mini quiz to test your knowledge of RA and give you a chance to win some prizes!  So What are you waiting for? Give it a go and tell me how you did! I'm an open book, so if you have any questions, whether about the condition itself or about my lived experience of it, Please do not hesitate to ask me!  If you are newly diagnosed (or think this might be what you are dealing with). First, you should know that things can only get better from here on out. I remember how bleak things seemed back then for me. Also, do not get fobbed off. Evidence shows that earl...

 My memories for last year on Facebook are thin. But today was a MASSIVE day in our lives. One we will never forget.  After feeling absolutely rotten for 3 weeks, and having missed my 2nd cycle, I decided to test because well that’s the only thing I hadn’t done to provoke its arrival - that pregnancy test didn’t even waste time and a very bewildered me, walked into our bedroom to show Mark. We spent the day poorly and shocked to our cores. We looked at each other and said “F*CK!!! “ a lot 🤣🤣 Our amazing daughter was on her way!  The next few days were a blur. Drs visits & an early scan were I was told I had options if I didn’t want to go through with it (I’m glad we live in a country where that’s the case btw) but in my heart I knew, I loved that little fetus already.  Then there was worries and conversations with specialist pharmacists over the water due to my meds - thankfully I had switched from a more toxic one a mere 6 months earlier.  Oh and the fact...

On Sunday the 3rd of May, 2020, I woke up early after continuous vivid pregnancy dreams. It was about 4.30 am that I decided I had enough. I had dreamt that Ada came early and that we were not ready at all . If only I knew the half of it.  Mark made us breakfast and we watched Guardians of the Galaxy. I was feeling odd but not sure why so I took a nap once the film was over. Whilst sleeping, I felt a bulging but dismissed it as me needing a wee.    A few moments later, my waters went. I momentarily freaked out. I was only 35+3 weeks pregnant , nowhere near term.  I tried to get Mark’s attention via the Alexas in the house. He finally came up with cups of tea not realising the urgency I had wanted him up for.    I told him my waters had gone and I started to sob. He managed to calm me down enough to ring the maternity ward and they said we should come in . Before we got there, we had to organise childcare and our lovely babysitter Charley was availa...

Let's just come out and say it. The good intentions are there. I mean, I can't count the number of times I have opened my Chromebook to do a blog post and nothing materialising. It sucks how closed off creatively I am when I'm pregnant. I really want to document my new baby's first year like I did with the other two. Although that blog isn't public anymore, It exists - 6 years of my life is on that blog guys. I have loved reading all the posts from when I was deep in the baby stage again. I will make it a book one day for the boys. That is such a precious gift and I want to give her the same. I was meant to write a series of articles for Arthur's Place but because I've just had it tough this pregnancy, nothing's come of it. It makes me a bit disappointed in myself but I just have to remember that i'm dealing with a lot right now.

I can’t count the number of times I’ve sat down with my laptop to do some writing and come up short. For most people, they find being pregnant a very creative time. But so far in all 3 pregnancies, it’s a drought.  I’m just going to be honest about it & why I feel it’s that way.  Usually, I’m depressed right through my pregnancy. My anxiety is raging and I have an almighty urge to run away. This time, I haven’t suffered with depression (even my Winter variety ... touch wood)  I find pregnancy hardwork not just on my body (my conditions go a bit crazy except RA, it’s chilled right down yay!) but on my mind. I worry about everything even more than I usually do.  People say, pregnancy suits me which on the surface it does, but I do not feel as good as I look.  I deal with it all by prepping and planning & researching things. I set goals to help me see that I am progressing and doing so well. My health professionals are so suppo...

I meant to write this blog around the week 2 mark but i'm kinda glad I waited. This will give an overview of what my experience was like. I think it is important to note that, we are all different so my experience may not look the same as yours. Day 1 A few hours after Surgery I came round to a heavy-ish feeling in my chest and feeling very hazy from the anaesthetic. I hadn't eaten all day so I had some toast at about 6ish. I slept the evening away. I had 3 drains in. I did my first wobbly steps around the ward to use the bathroom. Pain wise , It wasn't as bad as I expected. I only needed paracetamol. Day 2 I felt more human, still tired but in good spirits. my arms felt restricted, I also had a wide dressing all around which i think contributed to that feeling. I got to go home that afternoon. I used my Jen's Pillow for a smoother ride home. That night, I had major anxiety about sleeping in my own bed with my drains. I had images of drains tugging at...

I have scrawled across the internet , read lots of blogs and watched lots of videos. Most of which were of an American slant. I have come to the conclusion that the American hospital system is very different to our good old NHS. I asked lots of people who have been through this too. I also used information from the booklet entitled "Planned Admissions" which I was given when I went in for my Wide Excision back in March.  Putting all the above to use, here is what I have packed in my hospital bag . Most British hospitals do not have vast amount of space so you are advised to bring a soft bag not a suitcase. I chose my favourite Cath Kidston X Disney Peter Pan Tote. It's not a big bag either. George Post Surgery PJs (with internal drain management pockets. George Post Surgery Dressing Gown (also with Drain Management) My trusty bedroom boots Fleece Blanket Spare underwear Toiletry bag containing Toothbrush, Toothpaste, Deodorant, Face cream Naty Baby Eco Wipes...

Tick.Tock Tick.Tock Tick.Tock I live with a certain sound. One only I can hear. It’s with me every breath I take. I deal with it the best way I know how, researching every darn thing. Still, it makes its presence known. Tick.Tock. I live with a lump. Counting down the days to surgery, knowing it isn’t Malignant (as far as they know) doesn’t help. I know that a new lump can trigger the same processes I know so well. Ultrasound, Core Biopsy, waiting, results. I’m on my 6th cycle. I can never truly relax because I’m living with a bomb in my chest.

Since I wrote the first part of this Saga last year, a lot of things have happened. If you are a regular reader of my blog, you'd know my health hasn't been stellar over the last year. I added multiple ailments to my roster.  The results for the previous Mass came through as not Malignant (YAY!) since then I've had various recurrences in both breasts (6 Core Biopsies, 1 Mammogram ) I had a wide excision about a month and a half ago where the surgeon attempted to get rid of most of the masses.  My Post Surgery Medi-Haze Selfie A week later at my Post OP Check up, I was distraught to find out he didn't take all the masses in there because I knew we'd only end up back where we begun. After he left and suggested a "wait and see " approach, I broke down crying in front of the nurses in the room because it just seemed like all the pain, suffering I had endured was never going to end.  A week later, I had another mass begin to form. I was ...

It has been a whole year since this whole thing began. Before this I did have multiple challenges that I was juggling whilst trying to lead a kick ass life. This crash that happened last Spring has been hard but very necessary. I'm the first person to tell my friends and family to cut themselves some slack. I however am not very good at giving myself that slack. My Feet were so Swollen & Painful - April 2018 This has forced my body into doing down a gear or two. I still punish myself mentally though which is so not the best. I was just speaking about this to my therapist the other day. I give myself a good talking to - CHILL OUT LUCE!  YOU ARE REALLY DOING YOUR BEST. SO WHAT IF YOU CAN'T DO IT ALL. Sometimes I even say these out loud. I left my job at the charity I was working at in November, I didn't have any downtime really as the business Christmas rush was already ramped up. That didn't really slow down until Christmas week. I had been treating my...

I think most writers would've experienced the frustration of the persistent blank page at one time or another in their lives. Lately, that's all I've experienced. It's like my brain is so tired to be creative. I figured the only way to by pass this stage and move on is by writing about the experience therefore conquering the blank page! (see what I did there?) Hopefully, my plan works out. I just had a brain wave - Maybe you could suggest things you want me to write about?  ANYTHING (within reason - I am pretty open though) Hope to hear from you, Lucy

This week has been an intense one. After the shock of receiving my surgery date quite mundanely on the Thursday before Mr B left for his work trip, I quickly reverted to my trusty coping mechanism - PLANNING. I rallied friends to help me pick the boys up from school, one to take them to school on the surgery date, my sister to be home as a contingency & Taxis to drive me about for the week. I agonised over asking friends to pitch in, I’m someone who grew up having to sort her shit out by herself so relying on others doesn’t come naturally, I lamented to geographically distant friends about my conundrum, my fear of appearing to take liberties but they rightly assured me that I should ask. I’m so glad I did because the response was amazing and a MASSIVE weight off my shoulders. I felt so loved. The actual date came, Tuesday. Everything ran with Miltary precision. The taxi was on time, We dropped the boys en route to the hospital and I was at the reception desk with 5 mins to...

If you know me in real life, You would have noticed that I have been growing out my grade 2 fro. I spoke about my hair being a reliable barometer for my internal health in the past. This I think is still a fair assessment. I was going away for the weekend and my plan was to use my time on the mainland to get my hair twisted. This wasn't meant to be though as I was let down by the hairdresser ( with a very condescending "Sorry Sweetie" *eye roll*) So I needed to get my hair sorted. On Thursday evening, Whilst I watched Death in Paradise, I got my supplies together. These were Shea Moisture Coconut & Hibiscus Hold and Shine Mist Shea Moisture Coconut & Hibiscus Curl Enhancing Smoothie Denman Detangling Brush Spray Bottle Olive Oil I started by spraying each section with the mist, moisturising it, detangling with the Brush before finally twisting it. I then sealed with the oil.  Paying attention to the front, I made sure to part it the way I wante...

Happy New Year! I’m so glad to be writing not just for the sake of venting. But just writing! Woohoo! This is the first year I haven’t set goals for myself. When it came to choosing my word for the year, I decided on “ Being”. After the utter shithole of a year I had in 2018, the most important thing to me is not how many miles I’ve run, what races I’m doing, what job goals to smash, I’ll be focusing on just being. Not achieving, Just being. This is harder that you think it is by the way. My mind is 150 miles per hour and being mindful is hard work. Not taking on too much is tough. Not setting huge goals is ridiculously tricky.  That’s just how I’ve always been. This is not to say I don’t have things I’m working on this year, the key difference is the lack of pressure attached to them. I’m working with guidelines. For example : Write More, Finish your Course by June. Simplicity . For a long time, I've been wondering of oreos & gin is still a good fit for me, I...

An obvious one is my lack of consistency in updating this blog. Since the last time I wrote here, I’ve had 2 flare ups of  2 out of 3 of my conditions, dealt with the madness of the end of the school year ( I’m on the PTA so there’s additional issues on that) , done numerous Summer Stalls for my craft business, House hunted, Moved house & kept 2 sproglets alive all while working my job. Let’s not even go to the emotional fall out that this time of year brings for me. All this to say, I’m soooooooo tired. Like all the time. I don’t know how I do stuff half the time. Today though, I’m feeling extra guilty about my life. I struggle through the day and end up giving the left overs to my kids and I swore I would NEVER do that to them. I was telling my sister how I was feeling and she was kind enough to tell me I’m nothing like the people I am trying to avoid replicating. The intention is different and I agree with her. It’s not that I can & I choose not to but because ...