Oreos & Gin

 Our surgery has recently gotten 2 new partners which saved it from closing. I’ve ALWAYS been anaemic since I started periods or even before because 1) I’ve got weird shaped red blood cells & 2) I’ve basically been haemorrhaging every month until my op earlier this year. 3) my DMARDs (drugs that prevent damage in my joints) have an impact.  Since my op, and the absence of periods, my iron levels have been slowly climbing and my Rheumatologist told me the last time I had a new PB 😅  I’m doing all the things to encourage it.  Just before Christmas, I had my HBA1C done (basically my diabetes report card) which includes a full blood count.  The results came in today (I’m basically walking around with a normal HBA1C 🙌🏿🙌🏿) but I just got a phone call from the surgery saying the dr would like to test me for anaemia .  At this point I’m so bored & fed up with unnecessary prods.  Like you’ve got data in front of you. Make of it what you will. ...

 Hello!  Seashell made from Sand It has been a long time since I've written here. My creativity seems to die each time I struggle with my day-to-day life. This past year has been a corker, to say the least. I don't know if I've outgrown writing in this space or just needing a fresh start somewhere else. THIS was meant to be my fresh start, so I know running away and beginning anew won't do.  I want to write more. The irony is I write as my day job. But I mean a different kind of writing. I want to write about the changes in me as I head directly towards my mid-30s. Nothing makes me feel old, like my eldest turning 10 nearly a month ago.  Life feels overwhelming, and I'm just starting to breathe again, so I have time to explore what it means to live in my body, mind, and soul in the 21st century.  I have lots to explore.  So stick around!

That’s a title and a half isn’t it? I haven’t even finished writing Ada’s birth story. I’ve gotten to the bit where she’s taken away. The fact that I seem to be avoiding writing what comes next is very telling.  Anxiety is not a new thing in my life. I’ve had anxiety for most of my life (which is understandable given the trauma I went through at various points in my life) but this is a different animal with a new symptom. I basically feel like an elephant is sat on my chest/neck for most of the day. Heart palpitations that bring on tears when particularly bad. Even without the palpitations, my eyes leak if my thoughts take me anywhere. For example I was cuddling with Ethan on our first day back and I said “I missed you when I was away” normally that would’ve been it, instead I just started crying. I could be sat watching tv, I think about the fact that the first time I saw my daughter was via a Polaroid photo - I start crying. I also just don’t want her away from me like ev...

Thank you Thia from The Honest Mums Club for tagging me so I can share my experience of being pregnant in a pandemic. I'm currently in my 34th week of pregnancy with just under 1 month to go before Little Miss arrives earthside and I can tell you that Covid19 has done a doozy on my experience. This is going to be my last pregnancy and so I really wanted it to be special - I think we've achieved that in a twisted way. When I thought of my 3rd trimester, I had images of me nesting in the day, having naps and chilling by the beach until it was time to pick the boys up from schoool. Sounds blissful right? What I ended up with is a lockdown with no end in sight. Having to do home learning with the boys who are fed up of being stuck indoors with me. I wish I wasn't immunosuppressed coz then I could take them out but I cant so they are stuck with the garden. Which to be honest, they are very lucky to have. It could be much worse not having any outdoor space. As for Ante...

I am fully behind the whole idea of self isolating especially as I have so many risk factors , however I’ve just done my 4th week, 3 of which my lovely boys have been home from school. This was not how I imagined my last few weeks of pregnancy to be. It is stressful not knowing when it’ll end. The boys have for the most part been coping ok, I on the other hand miss nature so much. I want to breathe in some sea air, get lost amongst the tall fir trees in the woods. I want to take in the sunset over appley beach.  Yet I am acutely aware that we are the fortunate ones. We have a garden. We aren’t stuck indoors like most of the people who live in urban areas. So I can’t moan too much. I think I would cope better with this if I wasn’t so pregnant and flaring. I’m throwing up again and I hurt everywhere but can’t see my chiropractor to help so I manage the best way I know how. Only 6ish weeks left and I genuinely cannot wait to meet her. Of course let’s not kid ourselves, recov...

I’ve decided to start a new “series” on my blog during this Lock-down. How are you all doing with the Lock-down? 🔐 I’ve been doing some Home Learning with my boys (we have Fridays off thank goodness) and I’m prepping for our new arrival. One of the ways I’m doing this is by reading. I dusted off my “The Baby Book” by Dr Sears , re read “Gentle Parenting “ by Sarah Ockwell Smith (I wanted to remind myself about the 4th trimester) & I was looking for a book about bottle feeding (with special requirements). This proved harder to find. As you know, I had a double mastectomy 9 months ago and prior to that, I breastfed my boys for 3 years each (through allergies, tongue ties & aversions) added to that I’m a trained Breastfeeding Peer Supporter. So I’m firmly on the breastfeeding train. I wasn’t planning on having more babies (this isn’t a secret - check out the #lastbaby on LJ’s multiple photos on my Instagram profile) so the biggest blow to me wasn’t our surprise baby but the ...

I can’t count the number of times I’ve sat down with my laptop to do some writing and come up short. For most people, they find being pregnant a very creative time. But so far in all 3 pregnancies, it’s a drought.  I’m just going to be honest about it & why I feel it’s that way.  Usually, I’m depressed right through my pregnancy. My anxiety is raging and I have an almighty urge to run away. This time, I haven’t suffered with depression (even my Winter variety ... touch wood)  I find pregnancy hardwork not just on my body (my conditions go a bit crazy except RA, it’s chilled right down yay!) but on my mind. I worry about everything even more than I usually do.  People say, pregnancy suits me which on the surface it does, but I do not feel as good as I look.  I deal with it all by prepping and planning & researching things. I set goals to help me see that I am progressing and doing so well. My health professionals are so suppo...

So we have survived the Summer, Gave our children some fab memories and sent them off for a new term at school (or not). You have tried to get back into your normal routine whilst getting ready for the season ahead. There is that sense of dread right in your gut. You wonder why you feel that way but no answers at the moment. You have that cup of motivational Coffee and try to push through but that urge to run away or at the very least build yourself a duvet fort is Strong and unrelenting. What is WRONG with me?!!!! You start to doubt your abilities and you can see your thoughts start to spiral (because surprise, you've been here before!) STOP. BREATHE. Ring someone you trust, Remind yourself about all the times you've been here and HOW you bounced back. Write a blog post after that eureka moment. Anything to stop the Thoughts >Feelings >Mood cycle. This is the one thing I learnt at CBT that has actually stayed with me. Cut yourself some slack, it's proba...

Tick.Tock Tick.Tock Tick.Tock I live with a certain sound. One only I can hear. It’s with me every breath I take. I deal with it the best way I know how, researching every darn thing. Still, it makes its presence known. Tick.Tock. I live with a lump. Counting down the days to surgery, knowing it isn’t Malignant (as far as they know) doesn’t help. I know that a new lump can trigger the same processes I know so well. Ultrasound, Core Biopsy, waiting, results. I’m on my 6th cycle. I can never truly relax because I’m living with a bomb in my chest.

This week has been an intense one. After the shock of receiving my surgery date quite mundanely on the Thursday before Mr B left for his work trip, I quickly reverted to my trusty coping mechanism - PLANNING. I rallied friends to help me pick the boys up from school, one to take them to school on the surgery date, my sister to be home as a contingency & Taxis to drive me about for the week. I agonised over asking friends to pitch in, I’m someone who grew up having to sort her shit out by herself so relying on others doesn’t come naturally, I lamented to geographically distant friends about my conundrum, my fear of appearing to take liberties but they rightly assured me that I should ask. I’m so glad I did because the response was amazing and a MASSIVE weight off my shoulders. I felt so loved. The actual date came, Tuesday. Everything ran with Miltary precision. The taxi was on time, We dropped the boys en route to the hospital and I was at the reception desk with 5 mins to...

Do you ever have those days when all you can say is “how the fuck is this my life?” Sometimes said in a Wow! I’m killing it but mostly said in bewilderment. I try and be present and aware of  what’s happening around me & within me, however I’m also guilty of zoning out and getting through my days in a perpetual daze. Occasionally you look up and you are stunned at what your life has become. When this happens, you may be anxious or feel helpless about where you’ve ended up. Either through your own choices or the cards you’ve been dealt. I just wanted to write today, it’s never too late to make changes in order to achieve the life you want. I’ve been saying that phrase lately but I know that life changes and we’ve got to adapt the best way we know how. So for me, I know with my new diagnosis, I can’t take on as much like I used to. I need to give myself wiggle room in my schedule. I have to be kind to myself and say no to things I really want to do so I can function be...

Over the last few months of training for my half marathon, i’ve Realised how much running depends on your mental resilience. If there is one trait that I’m 100% confident in , that would be it. There are many many things that have happened to me that I have bounced back from thanks to resilience. Now I also know on the flip side that if I let my mind win, I’m toast. Ask my personal trainer. I may have a bad run because my mind has taken me down a rabbit hole of negative self talk. I come back feeling like shit. Start to spiral, then I catch myself. This is where a good mantra comes in. Mine is simple. That’s the simple affirmation that I use all the time, not just in running but in life too. It’s true and it gets me way past my brain when it matters most. “I can do hard things.”

I did RED January and here's what I learnt:  January is a long brutal month so getting outside is a prerequisite to survive it.  It's wet & some of your usual routes may not be the best at this time of year!  Most of the time you'll have to run in the dark but you'll love it anyway - Be Safe, Be Seen!  Sometimes you get the best of the Winter Sun and everything just clicks into place. You get braver and end up going to Park Run for a strong finish, your limbs hate you but your mind loves you.  IOW MEDINA Parkrun - Photo Credit : Peter Billington I'm training for a half marathon as you know so I made it through January by Walking, Running, Pilates, Yoga & Rowing.  To wrap up, doing RED January meant that I started the year so low, lacking confidence in everything about myself. I'm talking everything. I slowly built myself up until the voices that were a roaring, ...

Bear with me whilst I explain what I mean. So if you know me in real life you’ll know I’m a proactive kind of woman. I like to take situations by the scruff of the neck & take control. Which would tell you that I struggle with the discipline it takes to be still. Practicing mindfulness means I have to try though. I’ve been struggling with my mood & other things this season, this has meant that I haven’t got my usual impetus to go like I usually do. I had a bit of a “Eureka!” Moment this evening sat in my therapists room. Sometimes, you can’t fix things as quickly as you want to (if at all). Sometimes you are in the season where you’ve got to listen to your inner self & sit with the uncomfortable feelings.  It’s not pleasant but the best thing to do is acknowledge it & take care of yourself. Being winter, it’s the natural time to preserve energy, recuperate & renew. So I’m taking the pressure to achieve off & putting self care at the forefront. I’m sit...

Happy New Year to you & yours. My word for 2017 was BRAVE. I used that word to push myself away from letting my fears control how I lived. 2017 my year of brave helped me achieve: Going to the Photography Show on my own... I learnt so much and I decided to turn pro.  I signed up for my big fat crazy goal of running a half marathon.... I hadn’t quite conquered 10Ks then....I have now!  I ran the RunDisney 10K in Paris I launched my Etsy Shop I applied & got a job where I get to be at the coal face of empowering women from all backgrounds  I started my feature writing course I faced some rather huge personal obstacles - including a laparoscopy which I wanted but was terrified about I came off my antidepressants , and have been working hard at managing my illness.  You know the phrase, “Fake it till you make it”? Sometimes I didn’t feel brave at all. Sometimes I was so crushed by the fear & the “what ifs” that I honestly didn’t kno...

Fishbourne, IOW - Lucy Benton Photography  I’ve always been the sort of person who wants to learn about how other people live their lives. A few years back - think when I became a parent, I started really wanting to live very intentionally. Over the last few years this has looked different depending on where we are in life.  When E was 15 months & we were starting our business, we got rid of the telly. This was a 2 part action. 1) my toddler’s first sentence was “tiddy on pees “ & 2) Shaving off our Sky subscription & TV licence would do our budget good. We were Live Telly free for 3ish years. However now we’re hitting our 30s some sooner than others (*cough cough* Mr B! ) I started to think more about doing this intrinsically. You see as a kid, I had this immense pressure to perform. I had to be the best at EVERYTHING. There was no room for failure. There was no space for emotional weakness. So what followed was me seeing my value & sense of sel...

This Blog post was originally written in January 2014... I think a lot of it still applies except I know my illness a lot better now. I've accepted that we are going to have to ride the wave of depression and the most important thing i've learnt is that there is always hope. I still worry about how i'm perceived but this only applies to my boys... I want to protect them from this for as long as I can. Of course they've seen me wracked in pain but Mental Pain is a harrowing sort i'd like to protect them from. Without further ado, Loneliness  Often I want to pour out how I feel about my mental health and to be honest I feel overwhelmed because no amount of semantics will do justice to the mess that's within me. I however feel like "loneliness" covers most of it. When I am within the grip of depression, I feel Unreachable. No one can reach me (though some try - my hubby & a few trusted friends) and I can't reach anyone either. I do try bu...

September historically has always been an extremely exciting month for me. You can add busy to the list now. I know we're only on the 15th but I already feel like I've seen September twice! Ha! I've not blogged since I shared about my need for a shock... I did achieve my distance. Infact by the time I had avoided the cows (long story, see my @lucytakesfotos insta) I managed to knock out 12.6KM that Saturday. I have also launched my Etsy Store (that was last weekend) and so the week preceding was manic. Making samples, Photographing, Editing, & Listing them. I was so social media'd out by the end. I also celebrated my birthday. That was fun. It was mellow though. For a start, I didn't stay up until midnight like I usually do. I went to breakfast with Mr B, then crafted in the afternoon before having a fancy dress girly night with my friends. Hello 29! This year as with all other years, my top priority is to live my life as authentically as i can. 2018...

Since about Wednesday when I did my Vlog on my Facebook page, I've been feeling off. In that video, I admitted out loud for the first time (to myself) that I was struggling mentally. I however figured that I'll be doing an inflatable mud run at the weekend and that should reset me. Long story short, I didn't go. I was absolutely devastated - which sounds a tad dramatic but it was more than the event. Something, I'd looked forward to with someone I care about. I had pictured all the awesome memories we would've made together. The run itself, campfires, after parties, drunken nights . All of that taken away from me. Just like that *snaps fingers* . After I found out, I went for a plod. The adrenaline of being let down once more by this person flooded through me. Thoughts about  the reasons - who & why made me even more angry. The core reason has been the bane of my life for as long as I can remember. ( I know I'm being vague, trying to be sensitive to the inv...

Now that's an odd title for a blog post but bare with. My hair is a very accurate barometer for where I am in my head. Anytime there's a change (first time I lopped it off- leaving home for boarding school at 11 & then preggo with 1st kid ) or even more pressing, a dip into the pit of depression (the other times it's been cut off). Anytime things are overwhelming, I reach for the clippers . It gives me a sense of liberty that I can't actually replicate. However this time around, I'm cutting my curls off because I actually can't keep up with the demands of coloured  hair care. My life is too busy & active to be doing with the whole shebang. During my runs I can feel the heat radiating through my fro. I'm not a fan. What I'll miss though are my crazy curls. I love them so much!! Missing them made me try growing them out. I even gave my hubby strict instructions to not let me cut them off.  You see, I know what I'm like! I'll probably j...