Oreos & Gin

I meant to write this blog around the week 2 mark but i'm kinda glad I waited. This will give an overview of what my experience was like. I think it is important to note that, we are all different so my experience may not look the same as yours. Day 1 A few hours after Surgery I came round to a heavy-ish feeling in my chest and feeling very hazy from the anaesthetic. I hadn't eaten all day so I had some toast at about 6ish. I slept the evening away. I had 3 drains in. I did my first wobbly steps around the ward to use the bathroom. Pain wise , It wasn't as bad as I expected. I only needed paracetamol. Day 2 I felt more human, still tired but in good spirits. my arms felt restricted, I also had a wide dressing all around which i think contributed to that feeling. I got to go home that afternoon. I used my Jen's Pillow for a smoother ride home. That night, I had major anxiety about sleeping in my own bed with my drains. I had images of drains tugging at...

I still have my boobs for all of 34 hours 23 minutes and counting. It is a strange place to be let me tell you. I have joined a number of Mastectomy groups to help me cope with everything and I have learnt a lot. I have also realised a few things. I fall into a weird group where I don't have Cancer (as far as i know), the Mastectomy isn't purely Prophylactic as in the case of those with the BRCA gene (therefore high risk for cancer) . I'm as usual, an oddity. A medical marvel that experienced doctors can't fathom. Yet, I have found myself rejoicing, empathising & mourning with these women in my phone. At the end of the day, suffering is suffering. Pain is Pain and we all end up living our lives sans boobies. Another thing that I've realised is my attitude to Cancer. I honestly don't know if it's a good thing or not. However, living with several  lifelong conditions mean that I do ruminate quite frequently about my own mortality. I spent the next fe...

Tick.Tock Tick.Tock Tick.Tock I live with a certain sound. One only I can hear. It’s with me every breath I take. I deal with it the best way I know how, researching every darn thing. Still, it makes its presence known. Tick.Tock. I live with a lump. Counting down the days to surgery, knowing it isn’t Malignant (as far as they know) doesn’t help. I know that a new lump can trigger the same processes I know so well. Ultrasound, Core Biopsy, waiting, results. I’m on my 6th cycle. I can never truly relax because I’m living with a bomb in my chest.

Since I wrote the first part of this Saga last year, a lot of things have happened. If you are a regular reader of my blog, you'd know my health hasn't been stellar over the last year. I added multiple ailments to my roster.  The results for the previous Mass came through as not Malignant (YAY!) since then I've had various recurrences in both breasts (6 Core Biopsies, 1 Mammogram ) I had a wide excision about a month and a half ago where the surgeon attempted to get rid of most of the masses.  My Post Surgery Medi-Haze Selfie A week later at my Post OP Check up, I was distraught to find out he didn't take all the masses in there because I knew we'd only end up back where we begun. After he left and suggested a "wait and see " approach, I broke down crying in front of the nurses in the room because it just seemed like all the pain, suffering I had endured was never going to end.  A week later, I had another mass begin to form. I was ...

It has been a whole year since this whole thing began. Before this I did have multiple challenges that I was juggling whilst trying to lead a kick ass life. This crash that happened last Spring has been hard but very necessary. I'm the first person to tell my friends and family to cut themselves some slack. I however am not very good at giving myself that slack. My Feet were so Swollen & Painful - April 2018 This has forced my body into doing down a gear or two. I still punish myself mentally though which is so not the best. I was just speaking about this to my therapist the other day. I give myself a good talking to - CHILL OUT LUCE!  YOU ARE REALLY DOING YOUR BEST. SO WHAT IF YOU CAN'T DO IT ALL. Sometimes I even say these out loud. I left my job at the charity I was working at in November, I didn't have any downtime really as the business Christmas rush was already ramped up. That didn't really slow down until Christmas week. I had been treating my...

An obvious one is my lack of consistency in updating this blog. Since the last time I wrote here, I’ve had 2 flare ups of  2 out of 3 of my conditions, dealt with the madness of the end of the school year ( I’m on the PTA so there’s additional issues on that) , done numerous Summer Stalls for my craft business, House hunted, Moved house & kept 2 sproglets alive all while working my job. Let’s not even go to the emotional fall out that this time of year brings for me. All this to say, I’m soooooooo tired. Like all the time. I don’t know how I do stuff half the time. Today though, I’m feeling extra guilty about my life. I struggle through the day and end up giving the left overs to my kids and I swore I would NEVER do that to them. I was telling my sister how I was feeling and she was kind enough to tell me I’m nothing like the people I am trying to avoid replicating. The intention is different and I agree with her. It’s not that I can & I choose not to but because ...

Thank fuck for that! Honestly, worst week in terms of anxiety. I can normally hold my shit together in public but on Thursday , I needed a walk around my office block as I was so agitated. I got to the appointment & the consultant said my results were clear where cancer is concerned. My anxiety was reduced quite drastically. Turns out my theory is correct. It’s my old friend -  Hidradenitis Suppurativa  (whatever you do, do not Google images!) I say HS for short. I thought it might be draining from my armpit to my breast tissue which caused this mass to form.  I’m sad as I honestly don’t know when I’ll be back running. I don’t know when I’ll feel like myself again. I’ve had a few days to wallow, but I’ve decided that I’ve got to make plans to get back to an ok version of where I was. My immune system is totally kicking my arse. I have gone from Half Marathon ready to struggling with stairs in two weeks. This is no April Fools. It's trying to o...