Oreos & Gin

I’ve decided to start a new “series” on my blog during this Lock-down. How are you all doing with the Lock-down? 🔐 I’ve been doing some Home Learning with my boys (we have Fridays off thank goodness) and I’m prepping for our new arrival. One of the ways I’m doing this is by reading. I dusted off my “The Baby Book” by Dr Sears , re read “Gentle Parenting “ by Sarah Ockwell Smith (I wanted to remind myself about the 4th trimester) & I was looking for a book about bottle feeding (with special requirements). This proved harder to find. As you know, I had a double mastectomy 9 months ago and prior to that, I breastfed my boys for 3 years each (through allergies, tongue ties & aversions) added to that I’m a trained Breastfeeding Peer Supporter. So I’m firmly on the breastfeeding train. I wasn’t planning on having more babies (this isn’t a secret - check out the #lastbaby on LJ’s multiple photos on my Instagram profile) so the biggest blow to me wasn’t our surprise baby but the ...

I still have my boobs for all of 34 hours 23 minutes and counting. It is a strange place to be let me tell you. I have joined a number of Mastectomy groups to help me cope with everything and I have learnt a lot. I have also realised a few things. I fall into a weird group where I don't have Cancer (as far as i know), the Mastectomy isn't purely Prophylactic as in the case of those with the BRCA gene (therefore high risk for cancer) . I'm as usual, an oddity. A medical marvel that experienced doctors can't fathom. Yet, I have found myself rejoicing, empathising & mourning with these women in my phone. At the end of the day, suffering is suffering. Pain is Pain and we all end up living our lives sans boobies. Another thing that I've realised is my attitude to Cancer. I honestly don't know if it's a good thing or not. However, living with several  lifelong conditions mean that I do ruminate quite frequently about my own mortality. I spent the next fe...

Tick.Tock Tick.Tock Tick.Tock I live with a certain sound. One only I can hear. It’s with me every breath I take. I deal with it the best way I know how, researching every darn thing. Still, it makes its presence known. Tick.Tock. I live with a lump. Counting down the days to surgery, knowing it isn’t Malignant (as far as they know) doesn’t help. I know that a new lump can trigger the same processes I know so well. Ultrasound, Core Biopsy, waiting, results. I’m on my 6th cycle. I can never truly relax because I’m living with a bomb in my chest.

Since I wrote the first part of this Saga last year, a lot of things have happened. If you are a regular reader of my blog, you'd know my health hasn't been stellar over the last year. I added multiple ailments to my roster.  The results for the previous Mass came through as not Malignant (YAY!) since then I've had various recurrences in both breasts (6 Core Biopsies, 1 Mammogram ) I had a wide excision about a month and a half ago where the surgeon attempted to get rid of most of the masses.  My Post Surgery Medi-Haze Selfie A week later at my Post OP Check up, I was distraught to find out he didn't take all the masses in there because I knew we'd only end up back where we begun. After he left and suggested a "wait and see " approach, I broke down crying in front of the nurses in the room because it just seemed like all the pain, suffering I had endured was never going to end.  A week later, I had another mass begin to form. I was ...

It has been a whole year since this whole thing began. Before this I did have multiple challenges that I was juggling whilst trying to lead a kick ass life. This crash that happened last Spring has been hard but very necessary. I'm the first person to tell my friends and family to cut themselves some slack. I however am not very good at giving myself that slack. My Feet were so Swollen & Painful - April 2018 This has forced my body into doing down a gear or two. I still punish myself mentally though which is so not the best. I was just speaking about this to my therapist the other day. I give myself a good talking to - CHILL OUT LUCE!  YOU ARE REALLY DOING YOUR BEST. SO WHAT IF YOU CAN'T DO IT ALL. Sometimes I even say these out loud. I left my job at the charity I was working at in November, I didn't have any downtime really as the business Christmas rush was already ramped up. That didn't really slow down until Christmas week. I had been treating my...

This week has been an intense one. After the shock of receiving my surgery date quite mundanely on the Thursday before Mr B left for his work trip, I quickly reverted to my trusty coping mechanism - PLANNING. I rallied friends to help me pick the boys up from school, one to take them to school on the surgery date, my sister to be home as a contingency & Taxis to drive me about for the week. I agonised over asking friends to pitch in, I’m someone who grew up having to sort her shit out by herself so relying on others doesn’t come naturally, I lamented to geographically distant friends about my conundrum, my fear of appearing to take liberties but they rightly assured me that I should ask. I’m so glad I did because the response was amazing and a MASSIVE weight off my shoulders. I felt so loved. The actual date came, Tuesday. Everything ran with Miltary precision. The taxi was on time, We dropped the boys en route to the hospital and I was at the reception desk with 5 mins to...

As a very vocal introverted INFJ , Friendships have always been peculiar to me. I’m very friendly, easy to get along with HOWEVER, I can count on my fingers the amount of close friends I have. I find it very difficult to be part of a group. My independent streak is way too strong.  Growing up, I always wanted a Anne/Diana kind of friendship which I did have from age 2-11. I think to evaluate my social circles at present, my husband is my bestest friend. Then I have friends from the different circles I frequent, then acquaintances (I have tons of those) .  When I became a Mum the first time, I found it particularly lonely because although I had lots of friends to do things with only a handful actually got to know the real me and the shit I was dealing with (and for them I’m so grateful) Vulnerability doesn’t come easy to me, having grown up in an environment where that was used to hurt you. I’m slowly absorbing the Brenè Brown idea that vulnerability equals strengt...

If you know me in real life, You would have noticed that I have been growing out my grade 2 fro. I spoke about my hair being a reliable barometer for my internal health in the past. This I think is still a fair assessment. I was going away for the weekend and my plan was to use my time on the mainland to get my hair twisted. This wasn't meant to be though as I was let down by the hairdresser ( with a very condescending "Sorry Sweetie" *eye roll*) So I needed to get my hair sorted. On Thursday evening, Whilst I watched Death in Paradise, I got my supplies together. These were Shea Moisture Coconut & Hibiscus Hold and Shine Mist Shea Moisture Coconut & Hibiscus Curl Enhancing Smoothie Denman Detangling Brush Spray Bottle Olive Oil I started by spraying each section with the mist, moisturising it, detangling with the Brush before finally twisting it. I then sealed with the oil.  Paying attention to the front, I made sure to part it the way I wante...

It is Tuesday and I think it is safe to say that I'm right in the midst of "big meet blues" . This weekend was just amazing! What is The Big Meet? For non Planner people, it is simply a day of Planner love. We talk about planners, craft, shop and more importantly we strengthen our friendships. What is a Planner? People call them diaries , organisers. There are different kinds and there are different people all over the world that love them. This was my first time going to The Big Meet so I Vlogged about it. Check out my video below: If you enjoyed that then please Like, Comment, Share & Subscribe!

Back in November 2017, I wrote about how I was on a quest to cure me of this hell I was living . The Crippling pain, Heavy bleeding & the low moods had made my life hell for decades. I wrote about how scared I was about undergoing a general anaesthetic . I neglected to write about how that felt so I will soon including the healing process. I will update this post once I do that. Anyway I had a laparoscopy where my surgeon was able to cut away the "longest adhesions he's ever seen" and he also inserted a Mirena IUD to see if that helped my symptoms. He had a look into my womb and he didn't find any endometriosis. The Mirena was not the right solution for me. I bled everyday from November to March. I had other side effects too not to mention my body effectively crashing at the end of March. When I had my follow up with the gynaecologist, He agreed it wasn't working although my periods were lighter, there was no point if I got no break from the bleedin...

Do you ever have those days when all you can say is “how the fuck is this my life?” Sometimes said in a Wow! I’m killing it but mostly said in bewilderment. I try and be present and aware of  what’s happening around me & within me, however I’m also guilty of zoning out and getting through my days in a perpetual daze. Occasionally you look up and you are stunned at what your life has become. When this happens, you may be anxious or feel helpless about where you’ve ended up. Either through your own choices or the cards you’ve been dealt. I just wanted to write today, it’s never too late to make changes in order to achieve the life you want. I’ve been saying that phrase lately but I know that life changes and we’ve got to adapt the best way we know how. So for me, I know with my new diagnosis, I can’t take on as much like I used to. I need to give myself wiggle room in my schedule. I have to be kind to myself and say no to things I really want to do so I can function be...

I wondered what to call this blog post. I thought, my body & I but that seemed too general. You see there is this narrative about how my body is trying to ruin my life but i don't think that's what is actually happening.  Let's not deviate though, I wanted to write specifically about my breasts. When I first got them I was 7/8 (i.e same age as my son is now) I honestly hated them. I was one of the boys until they arrived and then suddenly I went from climbing trees, riding around the neighbourhood on my bike with the guys to being told not to do those things anymore. Close your legs Lucy. Sit like a lady. I was being catcalled as I walked the streets by grown men. People changed the way they behaved towards me and also tried to modify my behaviour. I hated it. I hated my breasts so I wore baggy tops and walked hunched over - literally. I wanted to disappear. So I did to boarding school. The first term I had grown from an "A" Cup to a "C" Cup r...

Odd. Sometimes you just feel odd. Odd like you know something isn’t quite right.  Sometimes you just feel odd. Like today, someone or something forgot to add all the ingredients that make you feel like you. Odd. You can’t quite put your finger on why you feel the way you do.  You only know that you do. Odd like a puzzle that doesn’t quite fit. Or a piece of fruit that isn’t quite ready yet but you munch anyway. You go through the motions hoping that at some point in the day things click and you are back to feeling like you again. Odd but in a rather satisfying manner. I’ll let you into a secret, today I’m fed up of flashbacks. Every time I return to a place of my childhood, memories & traumas of the past attached to that place decide its their time to shine once more. Back & forth I go and the emotional whiplash is draining. Trying to function when your insides are anything but is soul destroying. So I sit through the monotony of Surburbia. Today my fri...

Fishbourne, IOW - Lucy Benton Photography  I’ve always been the sort of person who wants to learn about how other people live their lives. A few years back - think when I became a parent, I started really wanting to live very intentionally. Over the last few years this has looked different depending on where we are in life.  When E was 15 months & we were starting our business, we got rid of the telly. This was a 2 part action. 1) my toddler’s first sentence was “tiddy on pees “ & 2) Shaving off our Sky subscription & TV licence would do our budget good. We were Live Telly free for 3ish years. However now we’re hitting our 30s some sooner than others (*cough cough* Mr B! ) I started to think more about doing this intrinsically. You see as a kid, I had this immense pressure to perform. I had to be the best at EVERYTHING. There was no room for failure. There was no space for emotional weakness. So what followed was me seeing my value & sense of sel...

Without delving into too much health history, I wanted to share my experience of managing gynaecological pain. I wanted to do that for a few reasons. 1) I like to share, in case my experience helps you with yours 2) I’m fucking scared I’m not a wuss by any stretch of the imagination. In fact I’ve put up with this awful condition for 20 years. Now I guess I’ve been chasing down a label for what I’ve been dealing with the entire time. Back on the mainland, the head gynaecologist told me I had Adenomyosis & he couldn’t take Endometriosis off the table either. Ever since I was 14, I’ve been on a variety of pharmaceuticals to control my menstrual symptoms. I’ve also tried the natural path basically I’ve done it all. I’ve come to the conclusion that everyone is different & different combos work for each individual. When one of my meds’ stopped working, after 3 years, my pain returned. I’ve gotten to the point where I know it’s there, I just carry on until I possibly couldn...

There are 2 important things you need to know about me: 1) I'm a HUGE Disney Nerd - and proud of it. 2) I LOVE TO TRAVEL. See new places (or the same favourite places 👀) , meet new faces. Have a cultural exchange & swap life perspectives. I have a huge list of places I want to see but one place I always will want to come back to is Paris. Ever since I stepped foot in France & all my daydreams met my reality, it's somewhere I just adore. This summer, me & my boys, hubby included visited Disneyland Paris for the first time and that too lived up to my expectations. I felt so at home there, I am seriously considering investing in an annual pass. This weekend is the 2nd runDisney weekend in Paris and yours truly is going to be there. My first official 10k race had to be in the place that makes me extremely happy. Am I looking forward to it!? You betcha'! I'm meeting my Online Running Family at the Eurostar to experience this together. Today ...

I've been on a hamster wheel lately.   One foot in front of the other is the only way to be.  Stop & smell the flowers is the advice I'm given,  can't you see? I'm trying, I'm trying. There are boxes to be chequed, i 's to be dotted, T's to be crossed.  Who's going to do it if it ain't me!?  Live simply Live happily  I repeat to myself,  The melodrama & the rhythmic chanting takes over  "Live simply  Live happily " Can't you see?  I'm trying, I'm trying  Let me off, I want to get off.  I'm not a hamster, I don't need the wheel. These two feet will take me as far as I want to go.  I don't live simply - though I try..  but I certainly live happily.  Happily,  putting one feet in front of the other.  Breathe. Stop. Think REPEAT. 

It's been nearly a month since our group "The Equals Friendship Group IOW" took part in the Mardi Gras parade held in our town. I have been wanting to write about my experience since that Saturday however, life got in the way (more about that later). The Equals group are made up of different women from different countries, I guess you could say we are a multicultural bunch. I haven't been part of it for long. In fact, I was at work minding my business when one of my mates asked if i'd like to help with the costumes for the carnival. Me being me agreed. Suddenly, I was actually part of the procession... standing in a hall wearing a bin bag trying to prevent Evostick getting on my 'Les Mis' tee whilst a photographer from the local press took our photo for the paper supplement. I mean, WHAT?! That was just the prep though. Saturday itself came along and as i walked unto the field where we were all meeting, I was so excited to see different parts of o...

Time to Be. Since becoming a mum and admitting I very much LOVE my time alone, I crave , I mean absolutely crave the time & space to do as I please. No shoving MY priorities on the back burner, in order to ensure the kids, the cat, the fish & the house are sorted. I nag my hubby about prioritising his self care. I don't think he knows how. I'm guessing we aren't brought up to demand that for ourselves. So we deal & deal & deal until we can't anymore. That's what happened to me Winter 2011. I basically couldn't get out of bed one Sunday morning. My body had had enough. I had used the disease of perfectionism to eviscerate my soul until my body just had enough. Cautionary tale folks. Don't let it get to that stage. That was the beginning of my metamorphosis. It's not easy turning into the beautiful butterfly that you are. Growing hurts. It hurts a lot. Once you admit you need something to change, you keep go...