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I'm Writing Again (Again)

 Hello!  Seashell made from Sand It has been a long time since I've written here. My creativity seems to die each time I struggle with my day-to-day life. This past year has been a corker, to say the least. I don't know if I've outgrown writing in this space or just needing a fresh start somewhere else. THIS was meant to be my fresh start, so I know running away and beginning anew won't do.  I want to write more. The irony is I write as my day job. But I mean a different kind of writing. I want to write about the changes in me as I head directly towards my mid-30s. Nothing makes me feel old, like my eldest turning 10 nearly a month ago.  Life feels overwhelming, and I'm just starting to breathe again, so I have time to explore what it means to live in my body, mind, and soul in the 21st century.  I have lots to explore.  So stick around!

Happy New Year!

  Happy New Year!  What a year 2020 was. I’m hoping that the last year's relentlessness would reduce and I’ll have more mental space to nurture my writing this year.  I was amazed I managed to do two freelance articles when I was deep in the postpartum phase. That was quite hard on me, but I am self-aware enough to notice why I put myself through that.  It’s as though I wanted to remind myself that I could still do it. Knowing that for the next year at least, I will be grappling with my identity once more.  So with all the hope of a new year, I am setting the intention to write more and by correlation, make this blog more active! I am also going to journal as regularly as I used to. Since the birth of my daughter, my self care has gone down the pan. I’ll going to be trying to reclaim that.  Thank you for coming along!

A Very Strange Year

 My memories for last year on Facebook are thin. But today was a MASSIVE day in our lives. One we will never forget.  After feeling absolutely rotten for 3 weeks, and having missed my 2nd cycle, I decided to test because well that’s the only thing I hadn’t done to provoke its arrival - that pregnancy test didn’t even waste time and a very bewildered me, walked into our bedroom to show Mark. We spent the day poorly and shocked to our cores. We looked at each other and said “F*CK!!! “ a lot 🤣🤣 Our amazing daughter was on her way!  The next few days were a blur. Drs visits & an early scan were I was told I had options if I didn’t want to go through with it (I’m glad we live in a country where that’s the case btw) but in my heart I knew, I loved that little fetus already.  Then there was worries and conversations with specialist pharmacists over the water due to my meds - thankfully I had switched from a more toxic one a mere 6 months earlier.  Oh and the fact that I’d been drinking

Ada Grace’s Birth Story

On Sunday the 3rd of May, 2020, I woke up early after continuous vivid pregnancy dreams. It was about 4.30 am that I decided I had enough. I had dreamt that Ada came early and that we were not ready at all . If only I knew the half of it.  Mark made us breakfast and we watched Guardians of the Galaxy. I was feeling odd but not sure why so I took a nap once the film was over. Whilst sleeping, I felt a bulging but dismissed it as me needing a wee.    A few moments later, my waters went. I momentarily freaked out. I was only 35+3 weeks pregnant , nowhere near term.  I tried to get Mark’s attention via the Alexas in the house. He finally came up with cups of tea not realising the urgency I had wanted him up for.    I told him my waters had gone and I started to sob. He managed to calm me down enough to ring the maternity ward and they said we should come in . Before we got there, we had to organise childcare and our lovely babysitter Charley was available as planned. We drove the

Post partum Anxiety - After Effects of Life after SCBU

That’s a title and a half isn’t it? I haven’t even finished writing Ada’s birth story. I’ve gotten to the bit where she’s taken away. The fact that I seem to be avoiding writing what comes next is very telling.  Anxiety is not a new thing in my life. I’ve had anxiety for most of my life (which is understandable given the trauma I went through at various points in my life) but this is a different animal with a new symptom. I basically feel like an elephant is sat on my chest/neck for most of the day. Heart palpitations that bring on tears when particularly bad. Even without the palpitations, my eyes leak if my thoughts take me anywhere. For example I was cuddling with Ethan on our first day back and I said “I missed you when I was away” normally that would’ve been it, instead I just started crying. I could be sat watching tv, I think about the fact that the first time I saw my daughter was via a Polaroid photo - I start crying. I also just don’t want her away from me like ever.

Lockdown Musings : Being Pregnant in a Pandemic

Thank you Thia from The Honest Mums Club for tagging me so I can share my experience of being pregnant in a pandemic. I'm currently in my 34th week of pregnancy with just under 1 month to go before Little Miss arrives earthside and I can tell you that Covid19 has done a doozy on my experience. This is going to be my last pregnancy and so I really wanted it to be special - I think we've achieved that in a twisted way. When I thought of my 3rd trimester, I had images of me nesting in the day, having naps and chilling by the beach until it was time to pick the boys up from schoool. Sounds blissful right? What I ended up with is a lockdown with no end in sight. Having to do home learning with the boys who are fed up of being stuck indoors with me. I wish I wasn't immunosuppressed coz then I could take them out but I cant so they are stuck with the garden. Which to be honest, they are very lucky to have. It could be much worse not having any outdoor space. As for Ante

Lockdown Musings: Are We Nearly There Yet?!

I am fully behind the whole idea of self isolating especially as I have so many risk factors , however I’ve just done my 4th week, 3 of which my lovely boys have been home from school. This was not how I imagined my last few weeks of pregnancy to be. It is stressful not knowing when it’ll end. The boys have for the most part been coping ok, I on the other hand miss nature so much. I want to breathe in some sea air, get lost amongst the tall fir trees in the woods. I want to take in the sunset over appley beach.  Yet I am acutely aware that we are the fortunate ones. We have a garden. We aren’t stuck indoors like most of the people who live in urban areas. So I can’t moan too much. I think I would cope better with this if I wasn’t so pregnant and flaring. I’m throwing up again and I hurt everywhere but can’t see my chiropractor to help so I manage the best way I know how. Only 6ish weeks left and I genuinely cannot wait to meet her. Of course let’s not kid ourselves, recovery