Oreos & Gin

Bear with me whilst I explain what I mean. So if you know me in real life you’ll know I’m a proactive kind of woman. I like to take situations by the scruff of the neck & take control. Which would tell you that I struggle with the discipline it takes to be still. Practicing mindfulness means I have to try though. I’ve been struggling with my mood & other things this season, this has meant that I haven’t got my usual impetus to go like I usually do. I had a bit of a “Eureka!” Moment this evening sat in my therapists room. Sometimes, you can’t fix things as quickly as you want to (if at all). Sometimes you are in the season where you’ve got to listen to your inner self & sit with the uncomfortable feelings.  It’s not pleasant but the best thing to do is acknowledge it & take care of yourself. Being winter, it’s the natural time to preserve energy, recuperate & renew. So I’m taking the pressure to achieve off & putting self care at the forefront. I’m sit...

Happy New Year to you & yours. My word for 2017 was BRAVE. I used that word to push myself away from letting my fears control how I lived. 2017 my year of brave helped me achieve: Going to the Photography Show on my own... I learnt so much and I decided to turn pro.  I signed up for my big fat crazy goal of running a half marathon.... I hadn’t quite conquered 10Ks then....I have now!  I ran the RunDisney 10K in Paris I launched my Etsy Shop I applied & got a job where I get to be at the coal face of empowering women from all backgrounds  I started my feature writing course I faced some rather huge personal obstacles - including a laparoscopy which I wanted but was terrified about I came off my antidepressants , and have been working hard at managing my illness.  You know the phrase, “Fake it till you make it”? Sometimes I didn’t feel brave at all. Sometimes I was so crushed by the fear & the “what ifs” that I honestly didn’t kno...

I’ve been a plethora of emotions this past weekend.... yesterday was particularly ridiculous. One minute I was pottering, doing my thing next I was cross, sad, happy. My heart knows. Even when my brain hasn’t clicked yet. The 10th of December,2005 will always be significant to me. That’s the date I came face to face with grief.  My cousin, Owanari died that day. Before then when people I loved died, like my grandma in 1999, for example I was sad. But for some reason maybe a combination of our close relationship & my age at the time , I was a walking wound when Owanari died . I couldn’t sleep for months, and my eyes would just start leaking without me knowing. Every time the story came on the news, it would lead me to obsessively research the incident . I wanted to know everything about what happened. This year, I just want to share some memories I have of her. My earliest is one Christmas, I was staying with them that year whilst my mum did her Masters. Santa brought me...

Odd. Sometimes you just feel odd. Odd like you know something isn’t quite right.  Sometimes you just feel odd. Like today, someone or something forgot to add all the ingredients that make you feel like you. Odd. You can’t quite put your finger on why you feel the way you do.  You only know that you do. Odd like a puzzle that doesn’t quite fit. Or a piece of fruit that isn’t quite ready yet but you munch anyway. You go through the motions hoping that at some point in the day things click and you are back to feeling like you again. Odd but in a rather satisfying manner. I’ll let you into a secret, today I’m fed up of flashbacks. Every time I return to a place of my childhood, memories & traumas of the past attached to that place decide its their time to shine once more. Back & forth I go and the emotional whiplash is draining. Trying to function when your insides are anything but is soul destroying. So I sit through the monotony of Surburbia. Today my fri...

Fishbourne, IOW - Lucy Benton Photography  I’ve always been the sort of person who wants to learn about how other people live their lives. A few years back - think when I became a parent, I started really wanting to live very intentionally. Over the last few years this has looked different depending on where we are in life.  When E was 15 months & we were starting our business, we got rid of the telly. This was a 2 part action. 1) my toddler’s first sentence was “tiddy on pees “ & 2) Shaving off our Sky subscription & TV licence would do our budget good. We were Live Telly free for 3ish years. However now we’re hitting our 30s some sooner than others (*cough cough* Mr B! ) I started to think more about doing this intrinsically. You see as a kid, I had this immense pressure to perform. I had to be the best at EVERYTHING. There was no room for failure. There was no space for emotional weakness. So what followed was me seeing my value & sense of sel...

Without delving into too much health history, I wanted to share my experience of managing gynaecological pain. I wanted to do that for a few reasons. 1) I like to share, in case my experience helps you with yours 2) I’m fucking scared I’m not a wuss by any stretch of the imagination. In fact I’ve put up with this awful condition for 20 years. Now I guess I’ve been chasing down a label for what I’ve been dealing with the entire time. Back on the mainland, the head gynaecologist told me I had Adenomyosis & he couldn’t take Endometriosis off the table either. Ever since I was 14, I’ve been on a variety of pharmaceuticals to control my menstrual symptoms. I’ve also tried the natural path basically I’ve done it all. I’ve come to the conclusion that everyone is different & different combos work for each individual. When one of my meds’ stopped working, after 3 years, my pain returned. I’ve gotten to the point where I know it’s there, I just carry on until I possibly couldn...

“Freedom!” What does that even mean? What does it mean to be really free? I’ve been pondering this for a while. I just finished re-reading The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood. In a totalitarian society like The Republic of Gilead, Freedom takes on an almost tangible urgency. When your speech, dress, sex - your being is under control, to be free means something completely different to say in our supposedly democratic society. Thoughts about Gilead mix with my thoughts about George Michael’s film Freedom. “Freedom!” What does that even mean? What does it mean to be really free? I’ve been pondering this for a while. I just finished re-reading The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood. In a totalitarian society like The Republic of Gilead, Freedom takes on an almost tangible urgency. When your speech, dress, sex - your being is under control, to be free means something completely different to say in our supposedly democratic society. Thoughts about Gilead mix with my thou...