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I Knew a Girl Once...

I’ve been a plethora of emotions this past weekend.... yesterday was particularly ridiculous. One minute I was pottering, doing my thing next I was cross, sad, happy. My heart knows. Even when my brain hasn’t clicked yet.

The 10th of December,2005 will always be significant to me. That’s the date I came face to face with grief.  My cousin, Owanari died that day. Before then when people I loved died, like my grandma in 1999, for example I was sad. But for some reason maybe a combination of our close relationship & my age at the time , I was a walking wound when Owanari died . I couldn’t sleep for months, and my eyes would just start leaking without me knowing.

Every time the story came on the news, it would lead me to obsessively research the incident . I wanted to know everything about what happened.

This year, I just want to share some memories I have of her.

My earliest is one Christmas, I was staying with them that year whilst my mum did her Masters. Santa brought me a doll wit…

Odd

Odd.

Sometimes you just feel odd.

Odd like you know something isn’t quite right.  Sometimes you just feel odd. Like today, someone or something forgot to add all the ingredients that make you feel like you. Odd. You can’t quite put your finger on why you feel the way you do.  You only know that you do.

Odd like a puzzle that doesn’t quite fit. Or a piece of fruit that isn’t quite ready yet but you munch anyway.

You go through the motions hoping that at some point in the day things click and you are back to feeling like you again. Odd but in a rather satisfying manner.

I’ll let you into a secret, today I’m fed up of flashbacks. Every time I return to a place of my childhood, memories & traumas of the past attached to that place decide its their time to shine once more. Back & forth I go and the emotional whiplash is draining.

Trying to function when your insides are anything but is soul destroying.

So I sit through the monotony of Surburbia.

Today my friends, Cat in the Hat is …

Living Your Life Intentionally

I’ve always been the sort of person who wants to learn about how other people live their lives. A few years back - think when I became a parent, I started really wanting to live very intentionally.

Over the last few years this has looked different depending on where we are in life.  When E was 15 months & we were starting our business, we got rid of the telly. This was a 2 part action. 1) my toddler’s first sentence was “tiddy on pees “ & 2) Shaving off our Sky subscription & TV licence would do our budget good.

We were Live Telly free for 3ish years.

However now we’re hitting our 30s some sooner than others (*cough cough* Mr B! ) I started to think more about doing this intrinsically.

You see as a kid, I had this immense pressure to perform. I had to be the best at EVERYTHING. There was no room for failure. There was no space for emotional weakness. So what followed was me seeing my value & sense of self via my grades and abilities as a student. This changed at Sixth…

Managing Gynaecological Pain - a guide

Without delving into too much health history, I wanted to share my experience of managing gynaecological pain. I wanted to do that for a few reasons. 1) I like to share, in case my experience helps you with yours 2) I’m fucking scared I’m not a wuss by any stretch of the imagination. In fact I’ve put up with this awful condition for 20 years. Now I guess I’ve been chasing down a label for what I’ve been dealing with the entire time.

Back on the mainland, the head gynaecologist told me I had Adenomyosis & he couldn’t take Endometriosis off the table either. Ever since I was 14, I’ve been on a variety of pharmaceuticals to control my menstrual symptoms. I’ve also tried the natural path basically I’ve done it all. I’ve come to the conclusion that everyone is different & different combos work for each individual. When one of my meds’ stopped working, after 3 years, my pain returned. I’ve gotten to the point where I know it’s there, I just carry on until I possibly couldn’…

Freedom - it’s all about context

“Freedom!” What does that even mean? What does it mean to be really free? I’ve been pondering this for a while. I just finished re-reading The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood. In a totalitarian society like The Republic of Gilead, Freedom takes on an almost tangible urgency. When your speech, dress, sex - your being is under control, to be free means something completely different to say in our supposedly democratic society. Thoughts about Gilead mix with my thoughts about George Michael’s film Freedom. “Freedom!” What does that even mean? What does it mean to be really free? I’ve been pondering this for a while. I just finished re-reading The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood. In a totalitarian society like The Republic of Gilead, Freedom takes on an almost tangible urgency. When your speech, dress, sex - your being is under control, to be free means something completely different to say in our supposedly democratic society. Thoughts about Gilead mix with my thoughts about George…

Letter to My Dear LJ - You are growing up!

My Dear LJ,

Honey, you are growing up.
It scares me to admit it but its true. There are signs everywhere pointing to the fact that you are no longer the chunky baby i used to sling everywhere. Last night I had to do a double take because lying next to me, you seemed longer. I thought it was your brother. My darling, your fierce demands to be independent have always been heard. Right from when I met you, you let me know that you will always march to the beat of your own drum.


Everything in my parenting toolkit was blunt and useless, I had to learn different ways of parenting you. You my rainbow baby, refused to be molly cuddled. I wanted to keep you wrapped up and safe. But you longed to explore the world in your quiet but steadfast way.  You are doing it. I'm so proud of you.

It's only preschool another voice in my head shouts. Your mother is and will always be a sentimental soul. This is the first step to you having a separate life i'm not part of.  I hope you have a blas…

ReBlog - World Mental Health Day - 2017

This Blog post was originally written in January 2014... I think a lot of it still applies except I know my illness a lot better now. I've accepted that we are going to have to ride the wave of depression and the most important thing i've learnt is that there is always hope. I still worry about how i'm perceived but this only applies to my boys... I want to protect them from this for as long as I can. Of course they've seen me wracked in pain but Mental Pain is a harrowing sort i'd like to protect them from.

Without further ado,

Loneliness 


Often I want to pour out how I feel about my mental health and to be honest I feel overwhelmed because no amount of semantics will do justice to the mess that's within me. I however feel like "loneliness" covers most of it. When I am within the grip of depression, I feel Unreachable. No one can reach me (though some try - my hubby & a few trusted friends) and I can't reach anyone either. I do try but the weig…