Oreos & Gin

So it’s my last day being 34. This year, for me, has been one of getting to know myself even more than I thought I did. It was also a year where I got to show up for myself.  This year showed me that I could face my fears, conquer them and excel. It showed me that I am worth all the compassion and love I give to all those who know me. It showed me that I’m worth spending hard-earned money to get a better quality of life.  It showed me that I can show up for myself when people decide not to show up for me. It showed me that the friends I have made during my metamorphosis, who also were on the journey of self-discovery, are amazing people who let me be my whole self.  It made me realise that I can and will change things if they no longer serve me. This year, I’ve been able to begin the journey of unmasking and stop trying to fit the Neurotypical view of self. This year, I have met kindred spirits. I have realised there is nothing greater than being known completely and hone...

As a very vocal introverted INFJ , Friendships have always been peculiar to me. I’m very friendly, easy to get along with HOWEVER, I can count on my fingers the amount of close friends I have. I find it very difficult to be part of a group. My independent streak is way too strong.  Growing up, I always wanted a Anne/Diana kind of friendship which I did have from age 2-11. I think to evaluate my social circles at present, my husband is my bestest friend. Then I have friends from the different circles I frequent, then acquaintances (I have tons of those) .  When I became a Mum the first time, I found it particularly lonely because although I had lots of friends to do things with only a handful actually got to know the real me and the shit I was dealing with (and for them I’m so grateful) Vulnerability doesn’t come easy to me, having grown up in an environment where that was used to hurt you. I’m slowly absorbing the Brenè Brown idea that vulnerability equals strengt...

Happy New Year! I’m so glad to be writing not just for the sake of venting. But just writing! Woohoo! This is the first year I haven’t set goals for myself. When it came to choosing my word for the year, I decided on “ Being”. After the utter shithole of a year I had in 2018, the most important thing to me is not how many miles I’ve run, what races I’m doing, what job goals to smash, I’ll be focusing on just being. Not achieving, Just being. This is harder that you think it is by the way. My mind is 150 miles per hour and being mindful is hard work. Not taking on too much is tough. Not setting huge goals is ridiculously tricky.  That’s just how I’ve always been. This is not to say I don’t have things I’m working on this year, the key difference is the lack of pressure attached to them. I’m working with guidelines. For example : Write More, Finish your Course by June. Simplicity . For a long time, I've been wondering of oreos & gin is still a good fit for me, I...

Do you ever have those days when all you can say is “how the fuck is this my life?” Sometimes said in a Wow! I’m killing it but mostly said in bewilderment. I try and be present and aware of  what’s happening around me & within me, however I’m also guilty of zoning out and getting through my days in a perpetual daze. Occasionally you look up and you are stunned at what your life has become. When this happens, you may be anxious or feel helpless about where you’ve ended up. Either through your own choices or the cards you’ve been dealt. I just wanted to write today, it’s never too late to make changes in order to achieve the life you want. I’ve been saying that phrase lately but I know that life changes and we’ve got to adapt the best way we know how. So for me, I know with my new diagnosis, I can’t take on as much like I used to. I need to give myself wiggle room in my schedule. I have to be kind to myself and say no to things I really want to do so I can function be...

Over the last few months of training for my half marathon, i’ve Realised how much running depends on your mental resilience. If there is one trait that I’m 100% confident in , that would be it. There are many many things that have happened to me that I have bounced back from thanks to resilience. Now I also know on the flip side that if I let my mind win, I’m toast. Ask my personal trainer. I may have a bad run because my mind has taken me down a rabbit hole of negative self talk. I come back feeling like shit. Start to spiral, then I catch myself. This is where a good mantra comes in. Mine is simple. That’s the simple affirmation that I use all the time, not just in running but in life too. It’s true and it gets me way past my brain when it matters most. “I can do hard things.”

Bear with me whilst I explain what I mean. So if you know me in real life you’ll know I’m a proactive kind of woman. I like to take situations by the scruff of the neck & take control. Which would tell you that I struggle with the discipline it takes to be still. Practicing mindfulness means I have to try though. I’ve been struggling with my mood & other things this season, this has meant that I haven’t got my usual impetus to go like I usually do. I had a bit of a “Eureka!” Moment this evening sat in my therapists room. Sometimes, you can’t fix things as quickly as you want to (if at all). Sometimes you are in the season where you’ve got to listen to your inner self & sit with the uncomfortable feelings.  It’s not pleasant but the best thing to do is acknowledge it & take care of yourself. Being winter, it’s the natural time to preserve energy, recuperate & renew. So I’m taking the pressure to achieve off & putting self care at the forefront. I’m sit...

Fishbourne, IOW - Lucy Benton Photography  I’ve always been the sort of person who wants to learn about how other people live their lives. A few years back - think when I became a parent, I started really wanting to live very intentionally. Over the last few years this has looked different depending on where we are in life.  When E was 15 months & we were starting our business, we got rid of the telly. This was a 2 part action. 1) my toddler’s first sentence was “tiddy on pees “ & 2) Shaving off our Sky subscription & TV licence would do our budget good. We were Live Telly free for 3ish years. However now we’re hitting our 30s some sooner than others (*cough cough* Mr B! ) I started to think more about doing this intrinsically. You see as a kid, I had this immense pressure to perform. I had to be the best at EVERYTHING. There was no room for failure. There was no space for emotional weakness. So what followed was me seeing my value & sense of sel...