I wondered what to call this blog post. I thought, my body & I but that seemed too general. You see there is this narrative about how my body is trying to ruin my life but i don't think that's what is actually happening. Let's not deviate though, I wanted to write specifically about my breasts.
When I first got them I was 7/8 (i.e same age as my son is now) I honestly hated them. I was one of the boys until they arrived and then suddenly I went from climbing trees, riding around the neighbourhood on my bike with the guys to being told not to do those things anymore. Close your legs Lucy. Sit like a lady. I was being catcalled as I walked the streets by grown men. People changed the way they behaved towards me and also tried to modify my behaviour.
I hated it. I hated my breasts so I wore baggy tops and walked hunched over - literally. I wanted to disappear. So I did to boarding school.
The first term I had grown from an "A" Cup to a "C" Cup resulting in ugly stretchmarks all over them. I hated them even more. I was at boarding school though so I didn't need to look at them, Covered them in unflattering checks. Everyone wore the same so it didn't matter.
Something changed though because I went from not thinking about them at all to just loving them. I think Bravissimo, Sex & Personal Growth had a lot to do with that.
After the birth of my first son, I fell into breastfeeding and that was my new passion. I couldn't get over how clever breasts were. They are this multifunctional awesome factory. Custom Making milk tailored to your baby. I breast fed my first son E for 33 months - nearly 3 years. I discovered that I actually preferred my non lactating breasts. Even though they resembled semi deflated balloons (true talk) . They were mine. I didn't have to share them if i didn't want to.
My breasts were my first clue that we'd conquered secondary infertility too. I was brushing my teeth when I looked down to see them ladies looking swollen. We got our rainbow -L. Breastfeeding him wasn't as straightforward. I was frustrated and by his first birthday, he would only nurse on my right side. I just went with it. I should have picked up on that. I also breastfed Levi for 3 years.
The left side seemed bigger than the right. I've read that it was normal so I didn't think much of my lopsidedness. Except now L wasn't nursing it was more noticeable. I had a very sore breast and my GP put it down to mastitis. It was so sore I couldn't run that week. She asked me to come back for review which I did. She didn't like what she felt.
You see, along with the soreness, they was this hot, angry, hard mass the size of my palm. It wasn't budging. So She referred me to the breast clinic. I went to the Outpatients bit first, A Dr examined me, thought it might be a blocked duct and gave me more antibiotics. She then sent me for an Ultrasound at Breast Screening.
I met the Dr at breast screening who examined me, took an ultrasound where he saw "irregular changes" So he wanted a biopsy. I had 3 samples from my breast and 2 from my lymph node near my breast. He then sent me for a Mammogram - which in itself was an experience.
I am now waiting for my results.
Life is paused.
If you know me in real life, you'd know how I hate waiting. The unknown makes me anxious. I like to know, plan and do.
I keep having flashbacks to moments in my life when my life seemed paused or when it changed direction. Some of them haven't been nice to revisit but they all tell me that no matter what, I adapt, I learn my new normal, Life goes on.
This experience though has taught me that I have an awesome community of people who care about me. Thank you.