Skip to main content

I Need a Short, Sharp Shock.

Since about Wednesday when I did my Vlog on my Facebook page, I've been feeling off.
In that video, I admitted out loud for the first time (to myself) that I was struggling mentally. I however figured that I'll be doing an inflatable mud run at the weekend and that should reset me. Long story short, I didn't go. I was absolutely devastated - which sounds a tad dramatic but it was more than the event. Something, I'd looked forward to with someone I care about. I had pictured all the awesome memories we would've made together. The run itself, campfires, after parties, drunken nights . All of that taken away from me. Just like that *snaps fingers* . After I found out, I went for a plod. The adrenaline of being let down once more by this person flooded through me. Thoughts about  the reasons - who & why made me even more angry. The core reason has been the bane of my life for as long as I can remember. ( I know I'm being vague, trying to be sensitive to the involved parties. Don't worry though one day I'd write a book.)


Halfway through my plod, I noticed fresh cow pats on my trail... odd. Hmm. As I got to the railway crossing, about 8-10 huge cows were in my way. I wouldn't dare cross them ... not trying to guest star on Country Rescue 999 . So I turned back. The adrenaline faded. I sat underneath an old oak tree until my bum went numb.

I get it. Everyone is on their journey. That person isn't there yet. I had enough of the toxin we were being fed & I discharged myself against medical advice. I took control of my life and ran for it. You've got to reach the end of your rope to do this. If you are still comfortable drinking their kool aid then you simply aren't ready,


I got back home and looked at all the solo camping stuff I just bought, I knew I couldn't go on my own. I felt too vulnerable to be feeling even more of an outsider if I went solo.  Not going although a tough decision, was the kindest thing to do for myself.  I stayed in the nest that I built for myself. My rockstar hubby lending me his shoulder to cry out the hurt of being deemed not worthy - AGAIN.

But you know what? I am worthy. People who know me for who I am think I'm pretty ace. I goal set & smash the shit out of them. I look at the Family I've created with my very best friend & I feel satisfied. Out and away from that persons narrative... I'm a freaking badass. So there.

That was my cue. Enough wallowing. Do something that'll make you feel good about yourself ... that short, sharp, shock? 12 k baby!

I'm off out to do 12 kilometres.


I'll see you all in a few hours!


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Got An Answer: My Rheumatoid Diagnosis

Back in the spring when I started having what I can only describe as the worst pain ever, I didn't know how things would pan out for me. I've been through some really dark times (even for me .. *titter* ) I went from full pelt Half Marathon Training (my last run being just over 10 miles) to hobbling out of bed and struggling with the stairs.



The worst thing for me was aside from my obviously painful swollen ankles, I looked the same. It didn't seem like my whole body was on fire. The crippling fatigue & worst still the shroud of hopelessness that engulfed me.

I didn't miss one day of work even though some days i'd rather be knocked out than endure one second of the day. I still did the parent thing. The partner thing. The business owner thing.
I now know better because yet again, I pushed through and would end up crashing at weekends.

It all started with a mass in my breast. I wrote about it here & explored more here.

 To catch up, read the posts between t…

RED January

I did RED January and here's what I learnt: 

January is a long brutal month so getting outside is a prerequisite to survive it. 


It's wet & some of your usual routes may not be the best at this time of year! 



Most of the time you'll have to run in the dark but you'll love it anyway - Be Safe, Be Seen! 


Sometimes you get the best of the Winter Sun and everything just clicks into place.


You get braver and end up going to Park Run for a strong finish, your limbs hate you but your mind loves you. 
I'm training for a half marathon as you know so I made it through January by Walking, Running, Pilates, Yoga & Rowing. 









How the eff is this my life? - Moving Forward After a Hard Knock.

Do you ever have those days when all you can say is “how the fuck is this my life?”
Sometimes said in a Wow! I’m killing it but mostly said in bewilderment. I try and be present and aware of  what’s happening around me & within me, however I’m also guilty of zoning out and getting through my days in a perpetual daze. Occasionally you look up and you are stunned at what your life has become.



When this happens, you may be anxious or feel helpless about where you’ve ended up. Either through your own choices or the cards you’ve been dealt. I just wanted to write today, it’s never too late to make changes in order to achieve the life you want.

I’ve been saying that phrase lately but I know that life changes and we’ve got to adapt the best way we know how. So for me, I know with my new diagnosis, I can’t take on as much like I used to.
I need to give myself wiggle room in my schedule. I have to be kind to myself and say no to things I really want to do so I can function better. I need …