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I Need a Short, Sharp Shock.

Since about Wednesday when I did my Vlog on my Facebook page, I've been feeling off.
In that video, I admitted out loud for the first time (to myself) that I was struggling mentally. I however figured that I'll be doing an inflatable mud run at the weekend and that should reset me. Long story short, I didn't go. I was absolutely devastated - which sounds a tad dramatic but it was more than the event. Something, I'd looked forward to with someone I care about. I had pictured all the awesome memories we would've made together. The run itself, campfires, after parties, drunken nights . All of that taken away from me. Just like that *snaps fingers* . After I found out, I went for a plod. The adrenaline of being let down once more by this person flooded through me. Thoughts about  the reasons - who & why made me even more angry. The core reason has been the bane of my life for as long as I can remember. ( I know I'm being vague, trying to be sensitive to the involved parties. Don't worry though one day I'd write a book.)


Halfway through my plod, I noticed fresh cow pats on my trail... odd. Hmm. As I got to the railway crossing, about 8-10 huge cows were in my way. I wouldn't dare cross them ... not trying to guest star on Country Rescue 999 . So I turned back. The adrenaline faded. I sat underneath an old oak tree until my bum went numb.

I get it. Everyone is on their journey. That person isn't there yet. I had enough of the toxin we were being fed & I discharged myself against medical advice. I took control of my life and ran for it. You've got to reach the end of your rope to do this. If you are still comfortable drinking their kool aid then you simply aren't ready,


I got back home and looked at all the solo camping stuff I just bought, I knew I couldn't go on my own. I felt too vulnerable to be feeling even more of an outsider if I went solo.  Not going although a tough decision, was the kindest thing to do for myself.  I stayed in the nest that I built for myself. My rockstar hubby lending me his shoulder to cry out the hurt of being deemed not worthy - AGAIN.

But you know what? I am worthy. People who know me for who I am think I'm pretty ace. I goal set & smash the shit out of them. I look at the Family I've created with my very best friend & I feel satisfied. Out and away from that persons narrative... I'm a freaking badass. So there.

That was my cue. Enough wallowing. Do something that'll make you feel good about yourself ... that short, sharp, shock? 12 k baby!

I'm off out to do 12 kilometres.


I'll see you all in a few hours!


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