Skip to main content

I Need a Short, Sharp Shock.

Since about Wednesday when I did my Vlog on my Facebook page, I've been feeling off.
In that video, I admitted out loud for the first time (to myself) that I was struggling mentally. I however figured that I'll be doing an inflatable mud run at the weekend and that should reset me. Long story short, I didn't go. I was absolutely devastated - which sounds a tad dramatic but it was more than the event. Something, I'd looked forward to with someone I care about. I had pictured all the awesome memories we would've made together. The run itself, campfires, after parties, drunken nights . All of that taken away from me. Just like that *snaps fingers* . After I found out, I went for a plod. The adrenaline of being let down once more by this person flooded through me. Thoughts about  the reasons - who & why made me even more angry. The core reason has been the bane of my life for as long as I can remember. ( I know I'm being vague, trying to be sensitive to the involved parties. Don't worry though one day I'd write a book.)


Halfway through my plod, I noticed fresh cow pats on my trail... odd. Hmm. As I got to the railway crossing, about 8-10 huge cows were in my way. I wouldn't dare cross them ... not trying to guest star on Country Rescue 999 . So I turned back. The adrenaline faded. I sat underneath an old oak tree until my bum went numb.

I get it. Everyone is on their journey. That person isn't there yet. I had enough of the toxin we were being fed & I discharged myself against medical advice. I took control of my life and ran for it. You've got to reach the end of your rope to do this. If you are still comfortable drinking their kool aid then you simply aren't ready,


I got back home and looked at all the solo camping stuff I just bought, I knew I couldn't go on my own. I felt too vulnerable to be feeling even more of an outsider if I went solo.  Not going although a tough decision, was the kindest thing to do for myself.  I stayed in the nest that I built for myself. My rockstar hubby lending me his shoulder to cry out the hurt of being deemed not worthy - AGAIN.

But you know what? I am worthy. People who know me for who I am think I'm pretty ace. I goal set & smash the shit out of them. I look at the Family I've created with my very best friend & I feel satisfied. Out and away from that persons narrative... I'm a freaking badass. So there.

That was my cue. Enough wallowing. Do something that'll make you feel good about yourself ... that short, sharp, shock? 12 k baby!

I'm off out to do 12 kilometres.


I'll see you all in a few hours!


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

False Alarms, Friends & Fridays

This week has been an intense one. After the shock of receiving my surgery date quite mundanely on the Thursday before Mr B left for his work trip, I quickly reverted to my trusty coping mechanism - PLANNING.

I rallied friends to help me pick the boys up from school, one to take them to school on the surgery date, my sister to be home as a contingency & Taxis to drive me about for the week.

I agonised over asking friends to pitch in, I’m someone who grew up having to sort her shit out by herself so relying on others doesn’t come naturally, I lamented to geographically distant friends about my conundrum, my fear of appearing to take liberties but they rightly assured me that I should ask.

I’m so glad I did because the response was amazing and a MASSIVE weight off my shoulders. I felt so loved.

The actual date came, Tuesday. Everything ran with Miltary precision. The taxi was on time, We dropped the boys en route to the hospital and I was at the reception desk with 5 mins to spare.

Travel : Brussels (Plannercon Europe 2019)

It's been a while since I did a Travel post on here! It's been a Month since I went to Brussels, hard to believe it really. A lot has happened since then!


I bought my earlybird ticket last year, I knew i wanted this adventure to look forward to. I really enjoy travelling as you guys know but I'm finding that I enjoy Solo travel too. Having  RA has meant that I have become cautious and my adventurous spirit has been restless. I have learnt not to count myself out too eagerly. My mobility and stamina might be compromised somewhat but I should still be able to taste life.  Although Plannercon itself was exciting, I loved exploring the home of my favourite detective Hercule Poirot. My favourite bit of the weekend was making new friends. 

I took the Eurostar and chose the Standard ticket ( no accessibility perks) the first thing I noticed was how far back the chair was. I used my Jacket to create some lumbar support and it was fine. 2 hours later, I was in Brussels. I used the …

What to put in your Hospital Bag for a Mastectomy

I have scrawled across the internet , read lots of blogs and watched lots of videos. Most of which were of an American slant. I have come to the conclusion that the American hospital system is very different to our good old NHS. I asked lots of people who have been through this too. I also used information from the booklet entitled "Planned Admissions" which I was given when I went in for my Wide Excision back in March.  Putting all the above to use, here is what I have packed in my hospital bag .

Most British hospitals do not have vast amount of space so you are advised to bring a soft bag not a suitcase. I chose my favourite Cath Kidston X Disney Peter Pan Tote. It's not a big bag either.


George Post Surgery PJs (with internal drain management pockets.George Post Surgery Dressing Gown (also with Drain Management)My trusty bedroom bootsFleece BlanketSpare underwearToiletry bag containing Toothbrush, Toothpaste, Deodorant, Face creamNaty Baby Eco Wipes Spare changePrescri…